I Gots Lists!: My Top Ten Video Game Weapons

I Gots Lists!:  My Top Ten Video Game Weapons

By:  EvolveYourself

I’m a bit of a list show addict. “I Love The (Insert Decade Here)”, “100 Gadgets That Changed The World”, “!00 Greatest Hard Rock Songs”, etc., etc.  I love them all. Give me a 5 part show where D-List celebrities wax poetic about things that I remember, and I’m a happy panda. They scratch a nostalgic itch deep down in my brain; where stuff like the lyrics to the “Charles In Charge” theme and the fact that there was a follow up series to “Sanford And Son” live.  

So, to keep the itch scratched, I’m starting a semi-regular articles called “I Gots Lists!”. Whenever the mood strikes me, I will sit down and bang out a list of random, gaming-related minutiae. These lists will be strictly my opinion, and will not be open to debate. If you feel that I’ve left off an important item, then feel free to post your own opinion as a response. I know that one of the only things that gamers enjoy more than playing games is arguing about them, so I’m providing another outlet for it.

So, without further ado, I give you my top ten video game weapons.

10: Bo Jackson (Tecmo Super Bowl):  Bo knows bullshit.  Mr. Jackson’s 8-Bit avatar in the greatest football game ever programmed (you can shove your Madden up your ass, give me 8 plays and my 90 yard bombs from Joe Montana to Jerry Rice, I need no more) was so overpowered that he was nigh unstoppable.  He was the fastest and slipperiest player in the game, and was damn near impossible to defend against.  The standing rule at my house was that any team was fair play, but you better not pick the goddamned Raiders!

Example:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-k4r5irouk

9: Dynamite (Mutant League Football): Yes, another football game. If you’ve never played this Genesis masterpiece, then you, my friend, don’t know true gridiron joy. There were many “nasty audibles” (trick plays) available in the game, but the best was simply handing the ball off to your running back and sending him downfield with three lit sticks of dynamite. Nothing could beat tossing the TNT at defenders and watching body parts fly up at the camera as you sprinted towards the end zone.

8: The Land Shark Gun (Armed And Dangerous):  It’s exactly what it sounds like.  You fire out a shark’s fin that swims through the ground towards the nearest enemy, and then bursts up from the ground and devours them.  Simple, brutal, beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MktPVfMrFmg

7: Yellow Snowballs (South Park for the N64):  The first South Park game for the N64 was a terrible game, but one of its weapons is pure genius. Snowballs were an infinite ranged attack that could be made more powerful with the application of a little wee cocktail. What could be more fun than smacking anal-probing aliens in the face with balls of pissy snow?

6: Bow (Tomb Raider 2012): The simplest weapon in this game is also its most enjoyable. After 2 playthroughs, I can say that I use the bow far more than any of the guns that are available in the game. The bow is super accurate, fast firing, almost never runs out of ammo and is grossly powerful. Pinging off headshots on heavies never gets old.

5: Hookshot (Legend Of Zelda series): While not an actual weapon in most cases, the Hookshot is still one of the most satisfying tools in the Zelda arsenal. Finally, FINALLY, you can get up to that cliff with the damned chest!

4: Lancer (Gears Of War series): What explanation do you need? It’s a rifle with a fucking chainsaw attached!  

3: Sniper Rifle (Halo series): There are many games that let you get your snipe on, but none of them match up to the SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle. It’s gaming’s most accurate and satisfying way to reach out and touch someone from across the map.

2: Gravity Gun (Half Life 2):  The Gravity Gun is, quite simply, a game-breaking item turned into one of the most enjoyable tools ever given to a game character. There is no weapon that allows you to spend more time simply farting around in the game world, not remotely progressing the story, while still having ridiculous amounts of fun.  STACK ALL THE THINGS!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HhTtb7Iisw

1: The Swordsplosion!!! (Borderlands 2: Tiny Tina’s Assault On Dragonkeep):  The Gravity Gun would have been number one on this list, but Gearbox knocked it out of the spot with what is, officially, the coolest gun EVAR. There may well be better guns (Hell, there are better guns just in Tiny Tina’s DLC), but there will never be one cooler. The Swordsplosion!!!! (the exclamation points are part of the name) is a shotgun that fires swords. Swords that explode. Fucking exploding swords! That’s what I’m shooting. There is no cooler gun.  There will be no cooler gun. If you disagree, i challenge you to a duel. A duel in which I will shoot you in the face with exploding swords.

The end.  Troll away.