Music in the gym or… What NOT to play.

 

 

 

First, I just want to say I love my gym. It is a great place to work out. It’s brand new (opened less than a year ago), state of the art equipment, 2 pools (1 indoor), racquet ball courts, basketball/volleyball courts and classes of every flavor, yoga, pilates, spinning, step, etc. They also have a staff of personal trainers. It is kept very clean at all times they have fresh towels at all times, large locker room/shower with a dry sauna (complete with a copper bucket and ladle for putting H20 on the hot rocks!). This gym also has a limited membership (this keeps it from becoming another 24hr shit hole, and yes I used to belong to 24 hr shit hole so I know.) and has a wide range of people who belong, from the 20ish year old college student to the 70 year old grand parent, as well as the frighteningly fit to the not so fit (me) and downright “I need to do something or I’m going to die” crowd and everything in between. Not to mention the beautiful people to the not so beautiful. It is a great place.

            When the gym first opened and up until 2-3 months ago, one of the things I liked about going was the music they’d play in the locker room (if you listened really hard and didn’t have your Mp3 player you could also hear it on the gym floor.) It was different every day. It was even different depending on what time you went. This was great, I’d hear classic rock, reggae, classical, blues, jazz, bluegrass and hell, I’ve even heard them play some big band! Then it started to change, slowly at first, I’d come in and there’d be this crappy, easy listening fake jazz playing (you know, the crap they play in dentist offices while they happily drill into bone and nerve). But the next time it was something good. But over time, this crap was on every time I came in, didn’t matter what time either! Granted it was occasionally mixed up with some soft, easy singing stuff that my Dad would listen to. WTF? Shouldn’t the music played in a gym be something to get you fired up for a work out? Shouldn’t it at least be something to get you into the groove of working out? At the very least, it should be something to help you clear your mind and get you ready for the rest of your day. I’ve even complained about this on a “how can we do things better” form. Twice! And guess what, the good stuff came back… but not for long. Soon, the crap came back (sort of like eating bad chili).

            Now, before I continue, I just want to say, I’ve never been a big fan of R&B or fake R&B. I know I’m going to catch some flack for this, but oh well. I just can’t get into or stand for that matter all the wailing, warbling and “Oh baby, come on, I love only you, why’d I go and do her, she didn’t mean anything, you’re the only one.” Yadda, Yadda Yadda. Just a side note here, give me some good funk any time… “I feel good! HA!”

This brings be to this morning. I got to the gym just after they opened. I walk into the locker room after working out. And what is playing? This easy listening shit. I block it out and hurry to the sauna. It is blissfully quiet in the sauna. I love the sauna. I want one in my home. The wood, the heat, the steam on demand, it’s like the womb, its my happy place. After I’m done melting my body, I hit the showers, I can barely hear anything above the running water, I’m just aware of a slight sound. After the shower back to my locker and at this point there is no escaping it. Your favorite soft 70’s songs, redone by today’s favorite R&B stars! Can you say “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” sung by Whitney Houston? “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” was a shitty song when it was at its most popular! In the 70’s! And guess what, it still is in 2006! Why, In the name of all that is good and right in the world, would anyone want to remake that awful song?! I tried to block it out and just get dried and dressed and to get out of there. But I couldn’t. I noticed that it started to make the hairs on the back neck to prickle and my jaw to clench. I tried to move faster, I don’t need to dry the back of my knee. I don’t care that my pants are on backwards. Now my bowels started to grumble and the panic in my chest is building. God! Doesn’t this song ever freaking end?! My breathing was rapid and getting ragged. I couldn’t stuff my stuff into my gym bag fast enough, I felt like a fox in a trap, I was about to chew off my own ears it was so bad! Screw it! I don’t need my cell phone, pad lock or that superfluous left shoe. I just want out. I’m running now, and if the Zombies were after me, I couldn’t move any faster. I now know what they use in Guantanamo Bay as well as those secret CIA prisons. Forget water boarding and electric shock, and Sodium Pentathol, we’ve got Whitney Houston singing “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”!! They will only need to play it once, twice tops. That will make anybody talk…

 

Goddamn gym employees with no musical taste! Making the rest of us suffer with your lousy sense of “good music” so you can feel special. Guess its time to write another “how can we do things better” form and to remember to bring my Mp3 player.