Progression

So, the divorce is happening at a rapid pace. Its strange because when youve never done something, and never thought you would, a process can become surreal. I know its real, all too real. The fact of the matter is that I love the woman that was once my wife. Is the relationship salvageable? No. Do I have delusions of patching things up and giving it another go? Of course not. However things got as bad as they are, theres no hope. And no hope is a sad thing to admit. It hurts to look at pictures of our first year together and see that happiness we had. I can only hope that its still out there for me. I know Im not doomed, but Ive forgotten where Ive put my rose colored glasses.

Shes been living elsewhere for the past few weeks. The house that was her house before we met (before it became our rental house) is now her house again. Tomorrow, the rest of her stuff is supposed to be leaving. Whatever remnants I have here to tie memories to will be gone. And thats probably for the best. A clean slate will help things get less painful. I suppose if I had wanted the divorce, Id just want her shit out. As it stands, I kinda want it to stay. Seems to be going too fast as it is.

Divorce is a weird thing. When youre dating, breaking up can be hard, but the promise of your vows isnt in the back of your mind. You dont feel that you have an underlying commitment to one another when things arent working out. As it is, I have become codependent on my wife. Shes been a large part of my life and itll be hard to cut her out. At the same time, with our relationship being asa bad as its been, I can say that Im looking forward to being out in the world again. If at the very least to have some attention from the opposite sex. I think that itll be fun to date.  There are just a lot of emotions to deal with, so its hard to say if Im more excited to date or more sad because of the divorce. Its a toss up, and itd probably depend on the moment as to which Im feeling.

The other hard part (and then Ill wrap this up, I promise) is that it feels like she hates me. I know she doesnt, but I cant shake the feeling. With her desire to have things done so quickly, with her dropping me from her life completely, its scary to think about how close we were. Divorce to me is pretty final, so this period before I leave Oklahoma is really the last time that we have to spend together. And she doesnt want to spend any time with me. Went from love and caring to cold shoulder. Probably a defense mechanism to help keep the pain down when I do leave, but why not make the most out of the time weve got? We do care for one another on some level, and want each other to be happy. Id like to see her as my friend again before I go. Not holding my breath though.

So, its onward and upward. I feel pretty good about moving on, just having a rough spot here at the start. When Im not surrounded by her stuff, our stuff, itll be easier. When Im on my own, and moving wherever it is that Im going, Ill be better off. The trip there is just starting with an uphill stretch.