A little time has passed...

So its been a couple of days now.  I cant say that I'm happy with the decision I've made but I've at least come to peace with it.  I know I did the right thing. 

My wife is an ICU nurse in a transplant floor at a hospital here in OK.  I hear lots of stories about people with liver failure, liver disease, etc.  I know that these type of things have a progression and prognosis.  There was one patient there in particular that I heard about regularly.  She somehow contracted a strain of parvovirus that attacked and destroyed her liver.  She got a transplant and the parvo started attacking the new liver.  Eventually there was nothing more that the doctors could do but just wait.  The months ticked by and no change, just progressed along and she got worse.  This girl spent 11 months in the ICU, for lack of a better term, dying.  The skin was basically rotting off her body, she was no longer conscious, etc.

From my point of view her parents dragged that out way too long.  She actually asked months ago if they would just let her die.  She was tired of being in the hospital, she was tired of being treated, drugged, stuck in a bed, etc.  I played armchair quarterback and mentioned to my wife they should just let her go and end her needless suffering.  What I didnt have that her parents did was that emotional connection.  I didnt care about that girl really, her being there or not being there would have no bearing on my Thanksgiving or my Christmas.

Now when it came to Biscuit, I knew already the direction things were headed.  The wildcard here was the emotional ties I had to her.  I could have done the selfish thing and just brought her home to 'Wait and see if she gets better'.  Instead I decided to do the right thing by Biscuit and let her go to end her pain and suffering.  She was a real fucking trooper.  She'd still get around the house and walk with me wherever I went.  There were times I had to carry her up and down the steps at the back door because it seemed she just couldnt bear to make it down on her own.

Its a strange tug of war between the heart and the mind.   I dont want to feel the pain of losing my dog but I know she's in pain and she isnt getting better.  So which pain do I pick? Do I make a dog suffer for me or do I sack up and do the right thing for her?  Thats an easy question to answer but its a hard answer to put in motion.  I had the worst time trying to make the words come out of my mouth.  The decision is final with no do-overs.  I know I did the right thing. Now that leaves me to wonder why doing the right thing feels wrong.  Part of me wonders if it was just in the cards or if I disrupted some cosmic plan.  When I adopted biscuit she was 2 days out from being euthanized.  A week after I got her she got parvo.  3 months and a couple of days after I got her she got euthanized.  Maybe thats just the way it worked out, maybe that was the deal all along.  I dont know. 

I do know that the last 3 months of her life, she was surrounded and cared for by people who cared about her a lot.  I hope I made her last 3 months here the best ever.

I do know that for 3 months, I had a great dog.