American Idol is Back (Premier Liveblog - Hour 1)

Ok, I admit it: I'm somewhat obsessed with American Idol. Sure, it's all about finding marketable contestants to participate in a glorified popularity contest, but there's just something captivating about watching a select few people rising out of obscurity among hundreds of thousands to make a name for themselves and achieve their dreams of fame and fortune (sometimes). I thought I'd do a quasi-liveblog. I'll submit during commercials to update.

8:05 - WOW, dude lost like 200 pounds or something. Unreal. Oh, that reminds me, The Biggest Loser is on too (another guilty pleasure)...I'll DVR it. This guy should have been on that show before trying out for this one. He could have tried to win a reality grand-slam title of sorts...or something.

8:07 - Randy's sideburns are the shit. Word. Paula's still "crickets and frogs." Simon's still an ass.

8:08 - Losing the weight did wonders for his voice...reminds me of Jamiroquai.

8:12 - HAHA - it's Borat's cousin!!! Oh boy...can't stop looking at the gap in his teeth, and his accent is killing me. "I have my friend, and she told me you are sexy face. I say alright, thank you very much." GOLD!!! "I want to the love the girl from the hair to the nipple and give all my life for her." Oh God this is going to be good.

8:16 - Yep, he's killing it alright. Awesomely horrible. Wow - even Paula's unable to bring him down softly. Poor guy got his dreams shattered, but doesn't even recognize it yet.

8:18 - Taylor Hicks' backup singer. Nice personality, sings kinda "meh," but hopefully she'll get better.

8:20 - James Lewis - Never seen a suit as ugly as this mustard yellow one and OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS HE SINGING?!? Paula's snorting, Randy has his head covered with his sheets. The guy has no idea why they're laughing at him - he's just staring. Simon's being the nice guy and apologizing. OH NO HE'S SINGING AGAIN. He blames it on the older, Christian song selection.

(Commerical - submitting)

8:26 - Mmmmmmmmmmmm Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesesteaaaaaaaaak

8:26 - Nick Stano sounds like a cat being backed over by a garbage truck. Simon just cursed - hahaha. And then he told a girl to shut up!

8:27 - Asian dude sang a lullaby and Paula snorts again. NICE. Woa, Junot breaks out with some Elton John FTW. He goes out in the hallway and his huge, happy mom almost breaks her ankles in excitement.

8:28 - CONFLICT: great voice, don't know what the hell he sang.

8:29 - HO-LEE SHI-ITE. Temptress?!? Inappropriate name of of the century, and She. Is. A. LINEBACKER. Oh my good LORD LOOK AT HER MOTHER!!!!!!!! Biggest mother/daughter duo in reality TV history. Unreal. This is going to be bad. And it is. Not an ounce of soul in such a large body. Ouch. She looks like that ex-WWF wrestler Mark Henry (goes to look for a pic).

Cue the tears. She wants to sing another song. Cue more tears. Cue faked sympathy from judges. Group hug. Cue sad piano music. Oh the humanity. Is this for real? I've never seen the judges escort someone out and shake the Dad's hand. This is awkward to the thousandth degree.

(More commercials)

RANT: Why does some shit float its way through to these auditions in front of the judges and many wonderful singers (I personally know some) never make it in front of them? The system is F-ed in the A, but oh well.

FOUND THE MARK HENRY PIC! And Temptress looks exactly like him! (see right)

8:39 - Mark Hayes makes awesome cricket sound, but probably can't sing worth a shit. CONFIRMED. Asshat.

8:40 - He thinks he dances good and doesn't. Sure it applies to singing too. People say he sounds like Barry Manilow and Frank Sinatra. Randy feigns excitement. AND HE SUCKS ASS - excellent! Tone-deaf doesn't begin to describe this sack of crap. HAHAHAHA.

He asks for an explanation after a lengthy explanation. Nice anger response. "Keep your batteries in your calculator." Completely nuts is accurate.

8:46 - FIRST SUCKY SINGER MONTAGE OF THE YEAR is "I Love Rock and Roll" - hilarity ensues. The dude with the long red hair wig was classic.

(Commercials)

8:50 - Alexis Coen says she "marches to the beat of a different drummer." No F-ing way. Actually Alexis, you scare the ever-living hell out of everyone you come in contact with I'd imagine. She loves cats more than herself huh? Is that possible?

(DVR pause - bathroom break...damn beers)

Alexis rattles off a list of women I'm sure she sounds nothing like. It's Jim Carrey from Cable Guy! "Don't youuuuuuu want somebody to loooouhhhhhhve." Complete with over the top vibrato. Simon nails it: "it sounded a bit possessed."

She's completely shocked that they thought she was awful...of course.  "Peace, love, and chicken grease man," from Randy Jackson.  HAHAHA and "Simon is a big, fat bad word."  And Simon says she looks like Willem Dafoe - AWESOME!!!!

OFFICIAL BEST CONTESTANT RANT OF THE NIGHT SO FAR.  Flipped camera off, she's going to "go for actressing," and the mom's trying to bring her back down to earth.  Speaking of the WWF, she needs to be a wrestler - she could be the new-school Fabulous Moolah.  Wow, that was weird.

(Commercials)