SNAFU

Situation Normal - All Fucked Up. That seems to be the status of my life right now. Normal is so relative now. What I would give for a 'normal' day now...a day that'd be called normal say 6 months ago. Back when I could wake up, enjoy time with my family without anything hanging over my head. But the events of the past dozen days has turned my life so upside down it's not recognizable anymore. I can't help but feel adrift, lost in waves of emotions that I can't comprehend and thoughts that don't make sense even in the worst of times.

As of the last blog, my mother was in the MICU clinging to her life after attempting suicide. Well, long story short, she almost died. The overdose, specifically the Tylenol portion of the cocktail she took, almost shut her liver down. I didn't know it then, but now have found out that the most significant reason for liver transplant is Tylenol overdose. And here I thought that was one of the safest, most benign drugs. Anyways, the attending physician said that she would have died if she wasn't brought into the ER when she was. Talk about a sombering sentance to hear. We, my father, sister, and I, spoke with a psychiatrist at length the Friday afterwards. We laid everything down, and she was put on a 15-day medical hold. We were told that at some point in that time she'd have a hearing with a probate judge to determine how long the hold would continue.

On that Monday evening, she was transferred to Yale Psychiatric Hospital. Despite the prestigious name, from what my father related, it is a terrible place. We are talking the screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-night people in there. Definately not an environment conducive to a healing and treatment process. But it was what we had available. I trusted the staff to take care of her, to get her on a path forward. To have people who could treat her physically and mentally. And from all early accounts, it seemed like that would be the case.

That was, until Wednesday night when I finally reached out to her there. What do I hear? "Guess what?" I, very...VERY tentatively ask "Um, what?" Her reply...."I'm going home tonight." Internally, I was screaming WHAT THE FUCK?!? Externally, I was without words. Over the course of that conversation, and the two following days, I kept telling myself the professionals must know what is best. She was hooked up with an out-patient center near their house for treatment. Ok...that sounds good I suppose. She was talking of the desire to be happy, to move forward. So I was cautiously optimistic. Maybe she had some out-of-body experience...maybe she had a true-to-the-word 'come to Jesus' moment. I don't know. But I prayed. Did I pray.

And the prayers were not answered. On Friday, it appears that my father - as a part of a routine conversation - let my mother know that my sister had confided in her in-laws. See, they were scheduled to come down to her place for a few days (they are there now as I type this...) and would know immediately something was up. So, she headed off the question and laid it out to get some additional support. Well, that was a huge betrayal in my mother's eyes, and she promptly disowned my sister. Then, top it off that during one of the joint sessions with my father and the psychiatrist, after she was released, or both, my father let her know that if he felt she was going to harm herself or anyone else again, he would call 911 immediately. No more waiting to see if this was just a hiding away in the drugs...those days are over. Well, she sees that as an unvieled threat and power play, rather than the simple fact that he loves her and won't watch her hurt herself again (nor can he...he's in a legal situation to prevent any potential spousal neglect now, even self-inflicted).

And then finally comes yesterday and today. Last night I get a call while I'm out to dinner with my family, giving me the quick update on those two issues above. I cut her off and told her I'd call her back after dinner. Well, after calling her back and talking for a good hour, I could tell she was distancing herself from me. I told her that I wasn't going to be forced to choose between my mother and father, nor would I be used as leverage in their failing/failed relationship. I told her I was going to be completely objective, and would support each as they needed. She insisted that wasn't possible, that at some point I'd have to choose. I called bullshit. But anyways, I let it be. Then I called her again today - and went through it all again, but this time she twisted the fact that I will also call 911 on any suspicion of her doing anything wrong that I was also threatening her. She threw a couple of other pieces of my past in my face - having twisted them to suit her need, to the point of me getting really angry. It ended with me telling her I love her, but the next call comes from her when she wants my support.

I can't continue throw out my life, my soul, my heart...everything I have, only to have it perverted and used against me in some sick powerplay. She is sick. There is no question about that. I don't believe for a second that this is the woman who raised me, but someone who has been suffering with deamons that I can't begin to comprehend for longer than I can stomach to think about. The worst part is now I don't know if I'll ever hear from her again. I'll keep up to date on what she's doing through my father...whether she is continuing her therapy...a whoppin' one session a week...how fucked up is that? You try to kill yourself, and the proper course of treatment is a session a week at some out-patient clinic! All I can say is if things go far south again, there will be an ENORMOUS negligance and malpractice lawsuit filed on those fuckers who threw my mother to the fucking wolves.

Soo, now we're not even back to square one. We're back to square minus one. Thanks again to everyone out there who has expressed well wishes, prayers, etc. It's truly appreciated. Again, my apologies for the downer on Sunday. I'm going to continue to pray that this ends well, but am losing faith that the outcome will be something I will look at in any positive light.