Tough Day

I started jogging tonight (well OK tried to jog) for the first time since I was a teenager. Partly because people like Mike James and Gatsu have inspired me to get in shape and partially because there's a pain in my heart so big that I felt like I just had to find a way to transfer part of that pain into something physical. Yeah, I am going through some stuff right now, not much I can share on a blog but its just part of life.

While I was jog/walking I was thinking about who I could talk to about it, and I couldn't come up with anyone. Not because there aren't people who love me but because for one reason or another I feel it wouldn't be acceptable to burden them with it. Anyway, I am about six blocks along and burst into tears because I think of my Grandmother who has been dead for two and a half years now and how much I really wish I could talk to her again. Part of me knows that this is acceptable and another just gets angry and says suck it up because thats the way it is darling. I don't want to cry, I want to be stronger than the pain damn it!

So this lady passing by in a SUV pulls up and asks if I am OK and do I need a ride anywhere and it occurs to me I must look a mess. I say "No thanks, sometimes you just got to cry, you know how it is." and wave at her. Thanks lady, whoever you were. You may not know it but you helped.

I get home and start to pull some weeds in the front flower bed and pretty soon here comes my youngest, he had been out looking for me. He is all lovey and hanging on me for the next twenty minutes and saying I love you mommy because although I am acting normal by now and wouldn't have shown anything in front of him, he knows something is wrong (he just has radar like that) and wants to fix it. Kids can be a pain in the butt but they are great!

So here I am back at the office to get something I forgot but really to sit for a bit in the air conditioning and enjoy the quiet for a little while (with four kids and teddybear the house seems like it is always LOUD! ) So thanks for listening, I am going back home now to be 'mom' and keep it all together for the family; you know how it is.