Been a whole lot easier since the b!tch left town…

Yeah, so that is a line from a Spin Doctors song, but damn if it isnt appropriate right now.  If you are a loyal reader of this blog, (And you are, right?  I mean, Ive put in 3 quality entries so far.  That should be enough to make you want to put me on your friends list and check back twice a day.) then you know that there is a foul-mouthed lady at my workplace who has been making my life miserable.  (Read the blog titled "Out of the Icebox and into the Maelstrom" if you dont know what I am talking about or the rest of this wont make much sense.)  Well, she has been "let go" so I dont have to listen to her anymore. 

I suppose I was being a bit prescient when I wondered in my previous blog why she hadnt been fired yet.  Now I feel all conflicted about this…

On the one hand, I dont miss this lady at all.  She has been gone for almost two weeks now and it has been great.  I havent had to listen to her swear about the "idiots" that call in for help (I mean how dare they call Customer Support for assistance!!!) or suffer through her loud conversations about what to order out for lunch, who should win American Idol, what she thinks about the war in Iraq, how bad her knees hurt (who says God isnt fair...I hope the b!tch has a meniscus tear, or at least bursitis), and different celebrities that she would be willing to "do".  Sweet sh!t, the very thought of this grotesque woman "getting it on" is enough to permanently put me off my game.  Do you remember the little pig-like gargoyle in the Disney movie "Hunchback of Notre Dame"?  Well, if she had a child with the tallest and handsomest man on earth, she could only PRAY that the resulting child would be half as good-looking and perhaps that tall.  Do you get what Im saying here?  This woman is uglier than one of Satans own hemorrhoids and she is so short she would need a step ladder to kiss Mickey Rooneys ass.  While he was laying down.  On his back.

On the other hand (and granted it is a much smaller hand, with deformed fingers, very little grip strength and some sort of recurring skin infection) I do feel just a twinge of guilt about being happy that someone has lost their job.  Ive been out of work before, and I sympathize with that situation.  I was let go because the entire dot-com company I was working for went bankrupt, not for swearing loudly at work or doing a bad job, but since I know first hand how bad it sucks to be unexpectedly unemployed I can appreciate the plight that this witch suddenly finds herself in.  Granted, this is a situation of her own making, and maybe she had been given several warnings and hadnt straightened up, but it is still hard to be completely satisfied about the new peace in the office.

So yeah, it is nice that I dont have to hear her anymore, but it sucks that the management had to exercise their "nuclear option" in order to fix the problem.  However, she is gone, and Ill probably only feel guilty for about another 30 seconds.  Probably less.

Now, with Gentile Jane out of the picture, life in cube world should be great right?  Right?  What, are you new?  There is still PLENTY that gets my goat.  In fact I think having that miserable cow around helped me to focus my feelings of hatred onto a single point and made them easier to deal with.  Now that she is gone, Im starting to notice just how awful some of my other neighbors are.  Well start with "Mr. SmoothJazz"…

This is the jack-ass CSA that shares a cube wall with me.  Now, he is just doing his job, helping people on the phone, and he tends to keep all of his conversations work related, but its his voice….dear god his voice is killing me.  I call him "Mr. SmoothJazz" because he sounds somewhat like a DJ on an easy listening station.  He has that kind of slow delivery and draws out certain words that make it sound like he is announcing an upcoming set of classic hits from Wynton Marsalis, Kenny G and the late, great Benny Goodman.  He also has those really annoying pauses and "umms" in his voice that means it takes him FOREVER to say anything.  You remember the boss from Office Space?  Its kinda like that too.

"Yeeaaaaah…….ummmmm….Im going to need youuuu…..to give meeeeee…..your customer access numbeerrrrrr…..uh huh…….thats greaaaaaaat.  Yeaaaaaah."

In a way, this dude is even WORSE than that hag was, because he isnt as easy to really hate.  He annoys the living sh!t out of me and it is damn near impossible to concentrate when he is talking on the phone, which is half the day, but he is just doing his job and he cant help it that he talks like a jazz-DJ/stroke-victim.  He also cant help it that I got moved over here to sit next to him, and he does keep the social conversations to a minimum.  DAMN IT!  Why cant he be more of a prick?  Then I wouldnt feel guilty about my urge to make an improvised ball-gag using my computer mouse and ask him to try it on for size.  Thankfully, there is another smack-tard in a nearby cubicle who is much easier to hate.  I call him Reverend Assclown…

Why "Reverend" and not just plain old "Assclown"?  Because this genius likes to turn on his radio (??WTF??) and play gospel music in the morning.  Thats right folks, from 8 to 9:30 AM every morning I am treated to the sweet soul-saving sounds of southern gospel music.  (Praise God!  Can I getta amen-ah!  Lord, Ima gettin the spirit!  Testify!)  Notice I did NOT say that Reverend Assclown plugs headphones into the radio, puts them on, but then turns it up so loud that I can hear it a little, oh no.  No way.  This Nobelaureate just turns that sucker on and broadcasts the "good news" to everyone around.  I think he is taking that old gospel song "Turn the Radio On" a bit too literally.  When Jesus said, "Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel", Im pretty sure that there were some implied exceptions to that, particularly where the workplace is involved.

Now, this isnt a religious thing.  I would be just as incensed if it were Mozart or 50 Cent that he was playing.  But, I think the reason he can get away with it is because it is gospel music.  It makes confronting him a bit hard doesnt it? 

"Excuse me.  I know that you are having a great time praising God over here this morning, but Im trying to debug some code that was written by a team of bonobo chimpanzees and I really need to concentrate right now.  Im aware of the importance of saving my immortal soul, and that in comparison to where I will spend eternity the mundane travails of my job are but mere trifles, however, if I dont meet this deadline I could lose my job.  If your church is willing to dig into its benevolent fund to replace my lost salary, then by all means, carry on with your broadcast and Ill just go home and wait for my check.  Barring that, Im going to have to insist that we shut down station W-K-R-Dumbass in perpetuity.  Thank you, and have a blessed day."

That just doesnt have the same ring to it as, "Hey, jerkoff!  Shut that radio down or Ill snap the antennae off and run it in your ear and out your anus!"

The only thing I know to do is set up a competing station and see how that goes down.  Im thinking that a mellow blend of Pantera, Black Sabbath, Megadeath, Slipknot, Mudvayne, and Saliva with just a smattering of AC/DC should be a nice counterpoint to the complex harmonies of choir music.  I think Ill just pick up a cheap set of computer speakers on the way home today, and tomorrow morning I shall conduct what I like to call a "social experiment".