He's not crafty

I was sifting through the 2old2play blogosphere a few days ago searching for entertainment while bored off my ass at work, as I am wont to do from time-to-time, when I stumbled across an entry that grabbed my attention, penned by none-other than my pal/acquaintance/former clan-mate Skeyewalker7 (aka: Avril). I found particular interest in her blog entry “She's Crafty?” for two reasons:

1) Avril hadn’t updated her blog since the end of August and I wondered what the hell she’s been up to lately.

2) Her write-up detailed a recent experience with sewing up a curtain she had purchased at IKEA.

Most people probably got a chuckle out of her description of battling a sewing machine and winning, as did I, but I was also struck with one of those chills up my spine that you get whenever you encounter one of life’s odd little coincidences. For, you see, I had recently had my own run-in with a set of IKEA curtain fabric and a sewing machine, one that did not go nearly as smoothly as what Avril described. At first I just chalked that up to a “Huh, that’s kinda funny” type of coincidence, but later that evening when I saw the picture of the actual curtain the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. Not only had we both recently made IKEA curtains using a sewing machine, we had, in fact, USED THE SAME FABRIC! I shit you not.

I usually don’t bring my wife into my dealings here at 2old2play because she isn’t really interested in it, as she is a non-gamer, but when the stars line up in a configuration this perplexing I just had to share. I was sitting in the den, staring at the computer, mouth agape, when I shouted to her in the living room:

“Hey babe, you gotta come see this.”

“Come see what?”

“Just come here will you. You won’t believe this.”

(sigh) “Alright.” {It would be hard for me to describe the way she said this and exactly the emotions that she portrayed with that sigh and it’s subsequent “Alright”. Imagine that someone just asked you to please lift a boulder the size of a Buick and that you sighed heavily as you responded. That you sighed as if you had just been asked to cross the Sahara with a single canteen filled not with water, but camel sweat. Imagine how you would sigh if you looked up into the sky and saw an enormous comet streaking straight down towards you at super-sonic speed, tearing and burning through the atmosphere like a hell-bound chariot and you knew immediately that there was no escaping its wrath. THAT is how my wife sighed. Every time she sighs like that an angel gets decapitated. Since her marriage to me, the mortality rate among angels has quadrupled.}

I continued to stare at the computer as I heard my wife approaching. She is a small person and normally moves in complete silence on soft padded feet, not unlike a ninja, but when she is exasperated with me (and that is quite often) she lumbers through the house like a three-legged rhinoceros, unstable, loud, and with the menace of impending doom for any who should be so foolish as to cross her meandering and ill-fated path. Still my eyes remained transfixed upon the screen as she tromped unsteadily towards me.

Tromp

Tromp-tromp

Tr-tromp

Tromp

And then she was standing behind me. For a moment she just stood there but presently she spoke:

“So… what is it you wanted me to see?” {Again, I cannot possibly describe the exasperation in her tone of voice. Imagine that after looking up and seeing the aforementioned comet, that you looked back down to see that a wandering hobo had just vomited on your new suede jacket.}

I responded with a childlike eagerness, oblivious to the gloomy tenor of her speech:

“Check this out! Avril went to IKEA and bought some curtains too! And she also had to fight with a sewing machine to make them! But that’s not the best part…. Do you want to know what the best part is?!?!?”

Her only response was silence, but I wasn’t really looking for an answer anyway. I forged blindly ahead, completely ignoring her non-answer:

“Avril used the SAME FABRIC WE BOUGHT!!!!! Isn’t that f#ckin’ weird! I mean, that is really strange don’t you think? Holy crap. What do you think the odds are of that happening?”

And this time I turned to see my wife’s face, hoping to see reflected there the same fascination and wonderment that was displayed on mine. I wanted to see her affirmation that it was, indeed, “fuckin’ weird”, and that she was very happy I had chosen to make her a part of this weighty cosmic moment. I stared at her, my eyes wide with anticipation…

(sigh) “Well, you know, they only have so many different fabrics to choose from at IKEA.” {For this last sigh you have to imagine that after looking up to see a comet that is bringing your certain death, and then looking down to notice that your expensive new jacket will be covered in wino-vomit when you die, that you look to your right and see the wino staring directly at you with bits of regurgitated baked beans stuck in his unkempt beard. And then, as the roar of the descending comet grows to a level that threatens to split your eardrums, you see the wino speak to you. You cannot hear the words, but you can read his lips. “I should probably tell you… I have AIDS.”}

And then my lovely wife turned slowly on her dainty little heels and tromped back in to the living room to resume whatever activity I had interrupted with my idiocy.

There is nothing like being married for more than 6 years to bring you back down to earth and give you a more focused perspective on what is “important”.

Ok, so I’ll admit, the fact that I purchased some curtain fabric from IKEA and wrestled with a sewing machine to get them put up at about the same time as a person on the opposite side of the country with whom I am only casually acquainted is not exactly an earth-shattering twist of fate (even if we did use the SAME fabric). But I think you’ll have to admit, it is at least a bit odd.

Right?

Right???

Fine. F#ck you guys.

Anyway, I’m at work right now and I don’t have the pictures with me to post up, but I’ll put some up after I get home in about an hour. I’m soooo damn glad that it is Friday. I need to go home soon before somebody gets hurt…

Edit:  Here are the pictures to prove that I didn' t just make this story up.  (Well, the part about the decapitated angels might be a bit of an exageration, but it isn't an outright fabrication.)