Lord, deliver us from the wii-tards.

Another day, another mind-warping tale of wii-mote stupidity. What the f#ck is wrong with people? These days it seems like you can’t spend 4 hours surfing the intertubes without running into a new story about somebody breaking something expensive or injuring themselves with a wii-mote. A great many of these stories are fake, but I’m not sure what is more pathetic, a real wii-mote injury or a staged one. I guess it depends on whether you have more pity for spastic morons or internet attention whores.

For myself, I just straight up HATE the vacuous, turd-brained, sub-lingual cave trolls that are flooding the tubes with their faked videos and photoshopped images of wii-mote induced carnage. These Rhodes Scholars are the only people (if you can dare to refer to them as “people”) that would survive an attack by brain-hungry zombies because they don’t have enough gray matter between the lot of them to be worth staggering after. Besides, these f#ck-wits deserve a fate even worse than zombie-mutilation. I believe that an appropriate punishment for the crime of “creating annoying web garbage” would be strapping them into a theater chair, propping their eyes open with shards of broken glass and then subjecting them to an endless loop of Uwe Boll movies. I bet that by the time the credits finish rolling on “House of the Dead” that they will have passed the point of true contrition and will in fact be in the process of atoning for the sins of their as-yet-unborn children.

Of course, not all of the injuries and broken plasma panels are the result of hoaxes. I have no doubt that there have been actual wounds opened, eyes blacked and television warranties voided. The number of these authentic calamities is difficult, if not impossible, to determine reliably, principally because of the aforementioned plague of forgeries. But one thing can be stated with absolute clarity: In all cases of a genuine mishap, the root cause of the damage is the dumbass who was wielding the remote, and NOT the fault of a “flimsy” strap.

At this point, a true idiot may try a rebuttal like, “But wait a second Cranefolder. The advertising for the Wii clearly shows people flinging their arms around like crazy. Isn’t it reasonable to assume that the wii-mote strap should be able to withstand the stresses that are being marketed?” Um, no, because I don’t recall seeing any footage of someone LETTING GO OF THE REMOTE in mid-flail and then having the wrist-strap save the day. The wrist strap was never touted as a “safety-feature” in anything I ever read or saw about the Wii. It is just a nicety, a convenience, and an example of Nintendo trying to do something good for their consumers and then getting nut-racked for their troubles.

Nintendo didn’t have to put ANY strap on their wii-mote and I think they would have been a lot better off if they hadn’t. But, in their eyes, a forty dollar piece of electronics is worth offering a bit of protection to, if you aren’t an evil corporation who salivates at the prospect of blindly loyal consumers continually replacing their broken merchandise (**cough** microshaft **cough**). In this case I think that is precisely what the strap was intended to be: protection for the delicate remote, NOT your television and/or occiput. (Look it up Einstein, you just might larn you sumpfin’.) So if the remote were to slip from your dorito-greased fingers while you were say, navigating the weather channel, it would simply drop to the end of its tether instead of crashing on your newly refinished hardwoods and rupturing in devastating fashion. Unfortunately for Nintendo, their gesture of goodwill was interpreted by meth-junkies around the world as a license to be as dumb-as-I-wanna-be.

So now, of course, comes the inevitable class-action lawsuit. Nobody, I mean NOBODY, in this great country of ‘Mer-kuh gets hurt without some ambulance-chasing law-shark trying to figure out how to turn that into a payday. The lawyers could give a f#ck less about any real pain and suffering or damage to property, they just want their cut of a large out-of-court settlement. The Wii has been all up in the news lately, and that kind of publicity just screams dollar signs to these unscrupulous, court-clogging crotch stains. If I were a judge and one of these yahoos bounced into my jurisdiction with this affront to commonsense, not only would I throw the bastard out on his ear, I would decree that he should be punished immediately for his shenanigans. That punishment would consist of a three-way beating administered by Satoru Iwata, Shigeru Miyamoto and Reggie Phils-Aime, each of them wielding a tube sock with a wii-mote crammed in the toe, a la Full Metal Jacket.

The worst thing Nintendo could do to try and stifle the lawsuits is what they have already done, issue safety warnings and offer to replace the straps. They are being too gahdamn nice and their sense of Japanese honor and politeness is going to come back to haunt them. Nintendo needs to hire a good old fashioned American Asshole® to do their PR and shame the wii-tards into submission. They need someone to create television, print and radio advertisements that ridicule and degrade the spastic gene-pool rejects that have yet to understand that the whole world isn’t covered with impact softening foam. I would like to offer my services in that effort.

As a first line of defense I would make sure every Wii console and Wii-mote package had the following warning printed on it in large red letters: Please do not buy this product if you are dumber than an otter. Let’s face it, otters have all the requisite skills to use a wii-mote without injuring themselves or others. Any creature that can firmly grip a rock and swing it against an oyster propped on it’s tummy without injuring itself should have no problem operating a wii-mote without becoming a threat to their surroundings. So, it would follow logically that if Nintendo warned people that were dumber than an otter NOT to buy their product then they couldn’t be held responsible for any damages done by the frog-licking shroom-eaters who ignored that warning.

Give me a call, Iwata. I really would love to help.