No. I am not talking about roofing materials.

I'm not even going to try not to swear in this particular blog entry. Usually I try to edit my writing with strategically placed special characters like #, @, $, *, etc. to cover up words that might be offensive were they not so masked. But not today, b!#ches. I will be letting fly with all sorts of profanity, so if that kind of thing bothers you, then you best just scroll along to somebody else who is a bit more gentile, 'cause I'm 'bout to get rude as a muthah fuckah up in this piece.

"Why?", you may ask. Oh I'll tell you why! This whole gahdamn blog will tell you why! I'm unleashing the hounds because I found out this morning that I have muhfuckin' SHINGLES! No, I don't mean the kind of shingles that immediately come to mind when you normally hear that word. I am not supremely pissed off because I have suddenly been burdened with unwanted rectangles of tar paper, coated with aggregate and sold in 40 pound packages. Oh hell no. I would be GLAD to get some of those fucking things because my shit-ass roof is going to need replacing in about a year or two. If all I had to complain about was getting an unexpected delivery of shingles from fuckin' Home Depot I would be fine as frog hair. Oh no bitches, I've got SHINGLES the gahdamn flesh-eating disease!

We are talking about red, itchy, puss-filled, pestilential boils folks. This is some fucking "Book of Job" type shit. The wrath of God is involved here. I've got goddam shingles on my back and they hurt like somebody slapped my lumbar region with a cheese grater.

"Well, Cranefolder, just what the fuck are shingles, and how did you get them?" Alright smarty McFucktard, I'll tell you. Shingles are the same Chicken Pox virus that you had as a kid. Yeah, that's right, it's like a sequel to one of those god awful scary movies. "Just when you thought is was safe to not itch like hell, the chicken pox you thought were dead return in…Shingles: This time it really fucking hurts." I now know more about shingles than any human should ever have to. Seems like what happens is that for some people the chicken pox virus doesn't get completely defeated when you are a kid. It moves into your nervous system and waits like a heroin-junky-mugger in a dark alley. The virus can stay there for years and then, BAM, you get this pain followed several days later by ugly sores that itch, and burn, and hurt. Now usually this type of shit is reserved for people over the age of 60, but if your immune system gets depressed because of stress or some other disease, COCKPUNCH!, the virus erupts out of your nerves and starts working its way across your skin. Finding out you have shingles is just about as much fun as getting gang-banged by the Steelers offensive line.

The best part about finding out I have shingles is that I have a lot to look forward to now. See, I'm not even to the pus and scabs part yet. Oh hell no, that will happen later. Right now I just have a small patch of red, irritated skin at the small of my back that makes it impossible for me to sit in a chair, or sleep, or just fucking be alive. At first I thought I had just gotten bitten by a spider or perhaps got into some poison ivy while working in the yard, so I ignored this shit for a few days. But then the damn thing started to hurt and the pain started spreading up my back and around to my groin. I don't know about you, but nothing sends me to the doctor faster than pain headed for my groin. You can "cowboy up" all you fucking want Hoss, but when I get so much as a twinge in that region I go directly to the doctor and I don't leave without a prescription for some very strong medication.

That is where I went this morning, when I thought I probably had a bug bite or perhaps some infected poison ivy. The nurse took one look at my back and wrote "shingles" on my little chart. I thought to myself "Shingles? Isn't that something that old people get." Then the doctor came in and dropped the knowledge on me that I have already shared with you. I know I'm in the "Old Man Mafia" and that I am a member of 2old2play, but jesus-h-fruitfucking-christ, I did not expect to come down with a case of SHINGLES!

Where do I go from here? Oh, now the fun begins! The rash will develop pustules that will eventually rupture and scab over. Awesome! And it will itch more and hurt more. Hooray! But the good news is that I should be better in 3 - 5 weeks. That's right mother fuckers, I should be better by sometime in SEPTEMBER! What the hell, did the goddamn chicken pox get stronger while it was hibernating in my spine? Were the viruses doing push ups and watching their diet? I don't know about you, but my chicken pox outbreak didn't last longer than a week. Now I have about 3-5 weeks until this shingles shit is gone? That is some first rate bullshit.

The only good thing (if there is a good thing about having shingles) is that I caught it early, so the Valtrex I was prescribed should clear it up. That's right, VALTREX! The fucking GENITAL HERPES medicine, you know the one: It's about suppression! I hate those fucking commercials and I can't believe that some of my hard earned money will actually trickle back to the jacksauce-slurping marketing whores who decided that primetime TV is a great opportunity to hawk STD medicines. Talk about adding insult to injury. Plus, I had to go to the pharmacist and turn this in. There is nothing better than looking another grown man in the eye and handing him a slip of paper that is asking for medicine used to treat an incurable STD. I could see the look of pity in his eyes. I wanted to scream out "No dude! It's for fucking shingles! Here, I'll show you the rash!", but I'm sure he hears that all the gaddamn time. "Sure, sure, buddy. I believe you. Yeah, shingles. Funny, I sell a shit-ton of this here Valtrex, but nobody ever has herpes. All you mother fuckers just have shingles. What a coincidence."

The bottom line is, I am currently experiencing a disease that is usually reserved for people over the age of 60, and I am suffering public humiliation everywhere I turn. On top of this, I can actually give people chicken-pox if they haven't had it before, so I have to stay away from small children and anybody with a depressed immune system. Maybe I should just wear a T-shirt that says "Unclean" on it. This fucking sucks big ole hairy, nappy, lice-ridden donkey balls.

Oh, and before you even THINK about laughing at me for having shingles, know this: about 1 in 5 people will have shingles in their lifetime. That's right, there is a damn good chance that you will have shingles someday. Some people get this shit in their eyes and it permanently fucks up their vision. Some folks get scars that hurt for years afterwards. Some people suffer from insomnia and depression after shingles. Thankfully, these possibilities are rare, but so is getting shingles at the age of 28, so right now I'm not feeling too great about beating the odds. Man, fuck this shit! Fortunately I caught it early and will be taking some medicine, which greatly decreases the severity of the disease and decreases the risk of complications. Now I am doing my civic duty to tell the rest of you about shingles. Consider yourself warned, and if you never come down with this shit, then be greatful, you lucky asshole.