Warning - Scatological Humor Ahead (Part 1)

I am going be up front with you here.  If reading a blog entry about my peculiar and rather picky habits regarding taking a dump does not sound like a good idea to you, then please just skip this entry.  If, however, you are the kind of person who thinks farting is fertile ground for humor, then by all means, read on.

I have always been a bit finicky about when and where I choose to take a dump.  I do not think that is unnatural in any way, because there are very few things that are much more private than "dropping the kids off at the pool", and therefore proceeding with a certain amount of discretion is well-advised.  I despise public restrooms in general, gas-station restrooms in particular, and I will only "press the flesh" in these places under the most dire of circumstances (For Example:  After a temporary mental lapse causes me to eat Taco Bell in the middle of a road trip.)  Aside from the fact that you have no personal control over the cleanliness of such accommodations, you are also subjected to random strangers wandering in and out of the area during your shit-session.  If you are having a particularly rough go of it, generating copious amounts of noise and noxious fumes, then it can create a potentially awkward situation.  These issues play into what I call the "psychological comfort" factor of doing the work of God.  Logic would dictate that where there are "psychological" considerations, there will usually exist corresponding "physical" concerns.  That assumption holds true here, and I will start with outlining those corporeal facets because they are much more limited in scope than the more intangible ones, which possess an almost limitless variety and breadth.

Physical comfort consists of a few fairly simple considerations, listed here for clarity:
1) The dimensions and properties of the toilet itself, including seat height, bowl size and shape, and seat configuration.
2) Quality of toilet paper.
3) Size and layout of the area surrounding the toilet, including stall width and placement of the toilet paper dispenser.
4) Seat temperature, ambient air temperature and drafts.

Even a cursory examination of this list will reveal that it does not cover all of the possible physical properties of a bathroom.  This is because not all physical properties and characteristics of a bathroom directly relate to the physical comfort of doing your business.  For example, I do not consider the washing-up facilities including sink, faucet mechanism, soap dispenser, hand drying arrangements, etc. to be elements of the physical comfort side of this endeavor.  Not being able to wash your hands properly is certainly inconvenient, but it does not generally lead to feelings of physical discomfort (unless you contract some sort of stomach virus) and is therefore rightfully omitted from the preceding list.  But I digress, let me now continue by explaining further the physical comfort considerations and their relative importance.

The first and most important factor in physical comfort is item number 1 from the list, the actual toilet, and as such I will save discussion of it for last.  Moving on then to item number 2 (no pun intended): toilet paper quality.   Quality is of course a subjective term, and everyone has their own definition of what comprises the perfect toilet paper.  One or two-ply, quilted or plain, perforated sheets or continuous rolls, texture, wet and dry tensile strength, and many more properties must be considered when choosing the ideal tissue.  Regardless of your personal preference, one thing remains universally constant:  Using inferior toilet paper is discomfiting.  When attempting to clean one of the most sensitive regions of the human body you must walk a very fine line.  A paper that is too aggressive may abrade the skin surface, leaving it raw and chapped, while paper that is too gentle risks leaving behind a fecal residue that, over time, will dry to a very uncomfortable crust, causing itching, fidgeting and occasionally even a rash.  For my taste, I prefer a paper that errs, if it must err at all, on the side of aggression and cleanliness.  Some of the double-quilted, extra-thick, lotion-impregnated abominations that have the temerity to market themselves as toilet tissue give their unfortunate user the feeling of wiping their ass with a raw salmon fillet and make it nearly impossible to determine when they are "clean".  As one cannot perform a visual inspection of ones own ass to determine cleanliness (well, not easily anyway), one must rely on their tactile sense to indicate cleanliness and the greasy, slippery feeling of such papers disguises that feedback.  My opinion is that toilet paper should be simple, but not coarse, and is something that should be easier to get right than wrong, if only manufacturers would stop fucking around with its composition.

This brings us to the area surrounding the toilet.  Whether in a public bathroom stall or in the privacy of your own home, the layout of the area around the toilet is crucial to taking a comfortable dump.  One need only imagine a stall that is barely wider than the toilet with the paper dispenser at the perfect height to bang into your head to see the truth in this.   It is nearly impossible to take care of business while your knees are pressed together and you are leaning to the side to avoid cracking your skull on a stainless steel box.  Ideally, there should be plenty of side-to-side room to allow the dumper to "spread out" and the paper dispenser should be easy to reach without being in the way.  An ideal location for the toilet roll is approximately 6 inches above and in front of the knees, allowing ample room for sitting and standing without requiring the user to stretch for the paper.  Now, we move on to the meteorological aspects of commodious commode camping.

Extreme temperature differentials can cause considerable discomfort when taking your "morning glory".  Who among us has never been shocked by the sting of a cold toilet seat?  That moment alone is enough to warrant its own spot on the list of physical comfort considerations, even though ones ass generally does a good job of quickly bringing the seat up to a more agreeable temperature.  Other common problems include poorly placed air-conditioning vents that move frigid drafts over your sensitive nether regions.  Extreme heat can also be a problem, as I found out at summer camp in the non-climate-controlled concrete bunkers in which I resided for a week every July.  The bathrooms were unbearably hot and stifling with no air circulation in them whatsoever.  Beads of sweat ran from the top of my head, down my spine and finally into the crack of my ass while the fetid stench of 200 gut-processed meatloaf dinners threatened to choke the life from my mortal body.  It was a church camp, but I am certain that this is not how the good Lord intended for us to pinch a loaf.  Adding insult to injury was the incredibly small size of the toilet, which I dwarfed even when I was a very undersized lad of 10 years.  Using that miniscule receptacle was tantamount to perching on the rim of a tin can.  Which brings us to the final, and most important, component in taking a relaxing crap:  The throne itself.

Again, personal preference comes into play here, as no two people have the exact same proportions, but for me the ideal toilet has the following specifications:
1) Height:  Just high enough to put my knees, thighs and ass in a straight line parallel to the floor.  This distributes the downward pressure on the seat over a larger area and reduces the effects of numbness during extended sessions.  A seat that is too high will not allow the feet to sit flat on the floor.  One that is too low forces the knees up into the air, makes it difficult to get up when you are finished, and can create acute pressure points in the diminished seat contact area that rapidly lead to pain and force a hurried dump.
2) Length:  I much prefer an elongated bowl toilet to the traditional round style.  I need plenty of room in the front for my "meat and two veg" to dangle unmolested by the grimy rim.  The elongated bowl also creates a much larger seat that supports more of the leg and allows the weight to spread over a bigger area.  I have been known to hold back a four-alarm-chili dump for upwards of 7 hours to reach an elongated bowl toilet.  In fact, if I were to have to give up all physical comforts related to dumping except one, this is the one I would keep.  Its importance cannot be overstated.  I have considered calling my congressman and encouraging him to table legislation that would not only prevent the manufacture, import, or sale of round toilets, but to also mandate that all round bowl toilets in the country be replaced within the next 3 months.  I would even be willing to pay higher taxes to subsidize the changeover for those who are unable to afford it.  Doubtless, one of the most important issues facing my nations poor today is that they do not have equal access to comfortable toilets.  This injustice must end, and it must end now.
3) Seat:  I prefer a plastic seat that has a little bit of flex to it and that has a cutout in the front (i.e. the seat is U shaped, not a continuous ring).  The flex allows for just a little more comfort and the cutout gives even more johnson clearance.  I am not talking about one of those horrible, thin plastic seats that wraps around the top of the toilet and conforms to its shape.  Those monstrosities could more appropriately be called "rim covers".  No, I insist upon a separate seat that has at least a quarter inch gap between it and the rim of the bowl with a minimum of contact points, preferably just 4.

So there you have it.  That is my exhaustive list of all factors which comprise a physically comfortable dump.  When taken to its absurd extreme, you could use this list to create a bathroom in the most unlikely of places that would still provide a relaxing defecation experience.  For example:  Take one perfect toilet and one superb roll of toilet paper to the middle of a wheat field.  Clear a 6 foot radius in the field, plumb the toilet, and hang the toilet paper roll on a simple stick pressed into the ground within easy reach.  Provided that the weather is cooperating, you have just created a venue that satisfies all of the requirements of physical comfort.  Any anxiety that you may feel about shitting in the middle of an open field is purely psychological in nature and is not germane to the present exercise.

In the "real world" however, the psychological factors of taking a relaxing dump can be even more important than the physical considerations.  In my next blog entry I will attempt to categorize these myriad issues and shed further light on the mental aspects of this most human of endeavors.  Until then, I hope that you encounter only warmed seats, long bowls, perfect paper and plenty of knee room.  Good luck, and God bless.