WTF?!?! (Subtitle - Microsoft can now OFFICIALLY suck my cock!)

So, I've been having a kinda shitty week as I detailed in my last blog.  But then Wednesday passed without incident, and today my wife got a rental car and made arrangements to get hers fixed so things were starting to look up.  I damn near had a smile on my face by the end of my workday.  Not so fast asshole.  I just got home from work and checked my e-mail, only to find this message from Xbox Live:

Umm....   what?

I mean seriously...

What.

The.

FUCK!!!!!!

Are you motherfucking KIDDING me!  The disc drive on your fucking piece-of-dogshit console broke on Monday and now your tattletale fucktard system for reporting "inappropriate" behavior on Xbox Live has resulted in my account getting BANNED!  Well the joke's on you FUCKERS because since your ass-reaming hardware broke on Monday I wasn't going to be playing on Xbox Live ANYWAY!  You may now commence making a lunch out of my balls.  Afterwards you can gargle my spunk and floss with my pubes.

What in the hell kind of a joke horseshit email is this anyway?  They received feedback about my "inappropriate content" on the service?  You mean my semi-coherent ramblings into my microphone count as fucking CONTENT?!?!  And what the hell do they mean that they "deleted" the content?!?!  What the fuck was there to "delete"?  Are they recording every fucking conversation by every last fucking person playing on Xbox Live.  I seriously goddamned doubt that shit.  I haven't sent any messages to anybody that isn't on my friends list, so I know they aren't referring to me sending someone an inappropriate message.  What the hell could this POSSIBLY even MEAN?

My suspension will end tomorrow, so I guess it wasn't that serious, and is probably just the result of some fucking Timmies that got PWNED in a CoD4 match I was in (and I wouldn't have been doing any PWNING, that would have been my teammates) and then decided collectively "Hey you know what?  FUCK that Cranefolder motherfucker!  Fuck him in the EAR!  I'm leaving negative feedback and telling people that he used racial slurs and then said he was going to rape my whole family just before he burned a cross on my lawn!  That'll teach him to be on the winning team!"  Seriously, this self-policing bullshit is just NEVER GOING TO WORK!!!  EVER!!!

EVER, you fucking hear me?  EVARRRRRRR!!!!!11SHIFTONE111!!!!!

The reason it will never work is because of the sheer size of the membership of Xbox Live.  You've got literally tens of millions of people that have accounts, and they are not all fucking saints.  Some of them are monkey-fuck-crazy little shit-heel sons-of-bitches with nothing better to do than grief the fuck out of everyone they encounter.  I bet the same little cum-stains that I hear talking in their squeaky my-balls-haven't-dropped voices about how they fucked my grandma last night and how much they hate ni##ers are the same mental-midgets that send in reports of "inappropriate content".

I realize that Microsoft is under pressure to police the community.  Last week I was reading an article about a family that was very upset because their son was encountering a lot of racist comments when he played online.  I can certainly sympathize with their anger, because I feel it too.  Just because I'm not black doesn't mean I don't get mad as all hell when I hear some vacuous racist bag-of-douche spouting off garbage that you know he damned sure wouldn't be brave enough to do in the presence of any other human.  That shit makes me fucking FURIOUS!  But I also recognize that there ain't a mother fucking thing that Microsoft will ever be able to do to stop it.  EVER.  But these poor parents don't know that.  The father was quoted as saying something to the effect of "Microsoft knows this is happening, but they aren't doing anything to prevent it.  This means they can be held liable for the content and we are going to sue them."  I just had to shake my head.  This guy just has NO IDEA how pervasive this sort of language is on the service.  He also probably has no concept of how MANY people are on the service and what kind of staff it would take to have people actually investigate each and every claim of "inappropriate content".  My heart goes out to that parent, because he is frustrated and justifiably angry and wants something to be DONE.  But there is nothing logistically POSSIBLE that could ever be done without violating all kinds of rights.

Seriously, what could Microsoft ever do to fix this problem?  Good luck with trying to record every word that is said on all of Xbox Live.  I can't even begin to fathom the kind of storage space you would need for such an effort.  I write software for a living, and although I'm not the most experienced programmer on earth, I can say with some certainty that you would never be able to pull this off without spending a RETARDED amount of money on hardware and infrastructure ALONE.  Not to mention the fact that every time a complaint came in, some actual person would have to search for the offending game session and then listen to all of the dialog to determine if "inappropriate content" was in fact distributed via the Xbox Live service.

So yeah, I'm mad as fuck about having my account suspended even though it really doesn't matter because, need I remind you, my fucking 360 is BROKEN!  I'm mad because I am now the victim of a shitty system that was created in a futile effort to combat a problem that can never be solved through software.  If you don't want racist/sexist/obscene/profane content on Xbox Live then you will have to stamp out all racist/sexist/obscene/profane behavior EVERYWHERE on the PLANET!  Only when there are no morons will there be no offensive encounters on Live.  And I don't know if you have noticed, but the morons out there are breeding like rabbits because they put condoms on their TOES!

Probably the worst part of all of this is that I have no idea what I am actually getting banned for.  None.  I just know that I contributed "inappropriate content" and that the content has now been "deleted" and I better not ever do it again.  I read through the horrendously vague terms-of-service agreement, and from what it says in there it looks like they can ban you for whatever the fuck reason they feel like.  You can't spread "profanity" for one thing.  Well what the FUCK counts as profane?  Can I say "damn", or "shit"?  I would assume that your biggies like "fuck-stick", "cock-gobbler" and "chode-snuffling-wank-monger" would be over the line, but what about the word "crap".  I know that word wouldn't be allowed in my mother's house, but is "crap" profane?  Of course, it's not like any of this matters anyway.  I guaran-fuckin-tee you that there wasn't a single human being involved in the decision to ban my account for 24 hours.  Just some little service, written by some asshole programmer like myself, running on a machine somewhere that counts up the number of complaints filed against you and then fires off an email and shuts down your account for a day once it crosses a certain threshold.  I bet the poor slob who had to write that knew damned good and well that it wouldn't fix anything, but hey, everybody's got to pay the rent some way.  I ain't mad at him/her.

One last thing:  The ONLY reason I have a 360 is because of Xbox Live.  If it weren't for the folks at 2old2play that I like to game with, I would have absolutely no reason to put up with the dodgy 360 hardware.  Nearly all of the games I like to play have also come out on PC, so it won't exactly break my heart to kick this plastic brick to the curb.  I can play The Orange Box by MYSELF, fuck-you-very-much.  If the Live service starts to head downhill, with more outages and more bullshit bans, then I will sell this fucking defective hunk of junk faster than Whitney Houston can snort a line of coke.

Bank on that shit.

**NOTE**

I marked this as NSFW because of language.  To any of you who clicked on my blog looking for dirty pictures, I apologize.  It was not my intent to cock-tease you.