It's Almost Over...

I have been off work for 3 weeks.  I have one more week left and then I go back to work.  I haven't been successful in finding a new job while I've been off.  So in another week I'll be back at the job I don't like.  I am hoping my new outlook on life and my meds will help me to not be so stressed out.  I am going to keep looking for a new job of course.  One where I am only expected to work 40 hours a week.  I also think I am going to start meditating.  I used to do it all the time in my younger days.  It used to help me focus and let things go.  That is definitely what I am in need of right now.  I need to let the unimportant things, the things I can't change, just go.  I need to focus on what's important.  Like fixing my relationship with my daughter.  I realized that I have been letting her take care of me.  That is just  too much pressure for a kid.  Growing up I had to do all kinds of things that kids shouldn't have to worry about.  I always hated it.  And now I see that I'm doing it to my daughter.  It wasn't my intention but it did happen.  It's time for me to fix that relationship.

I also need to stop trying to be perfect.  Sometimes shit is just fucked up and that's ok.  You just have to shrug it off and say..."well that was messed up.  Oh well, move on."  That is hard for me.  I always want things to be right.  I kill myself trying to get them right and then I beat myself up when then don't turn out right.  It's been difficult to try and change my normal frame of mind to a more positive one.  But I am working on it.  For example yesterday I decided that I as going to be in a good mood no matter what.  All the things that I would normally let set me off I just shrugged off and smiled.  When they got my order wrong at a restaurant I just smiled and asked them to fix it.  I smiled and said hello to everyone that I came upon.  I even stopped myself from having an argument with my daughter over something petty.  Doesn't sound like a lot but it was for me.

I do have to say the meds my doctor put me on are helping.  I have always been a horrible sleeper.  I've had insomnia since middle school.  I've just grown accustome to only getting 5 hours of sleep a night.  I never realized how cranky and disagreeable it was making me.  For the past 3 weeks I've gotten 8 - 9 hours of sleep a night.  I've even snuck in a few naps during the day.  I was very surprised at how much better my outlook on life could improve just be being rested,  Between the sleeping pills and my "happy" pills I'm doing great.  I'm also going to weekly therapy so that helps too.  It's nice to have someone to talk with.