Anal Fissures (or, Whered Who Go?)

Last night we had our last team lesson with Foulacy. You might’ve heard of him. He’s on this team called Str8 Rippin. I think they’re pretty good. (Foulacy, Fonzi, Defy, TSquared)

Anyway, after we get finished with our lesson, he asks us if we want to scrim his team. We say sure, because, you know, he was offering for free and normally that shit costs $80.

We had about an hour in between the lesson and the scrim, so we rounded up Alpha and scrimmed them to warm up. Played them pretty well, I think. Tight games. Except on TS Lockout. We haven’t gotten over the hump against them on that map. The fuckers.

Anyway, gametime rolled around and we hopped into a party with Str8 Rippin. Started off the game with some Warlock CTF. We made them work for it a bit. Game lasted all of 10 minutes. No one on our team had double digit kills.

Second game was Middy CTF. No one on our team had more than three kills and the game lasted 3:38. That’s five caps for them, mind you.

Third game was TS Sanctuary. 50-16. We had a little more room to move. But no joke, at one point, I came out from under the turret bridge on red side. One of them was up at Red Car. I ran for the shotgun tunnel and he four-shot me – all the way across the map.

And that was fairly typical. They only needed four to kill you. And if you did manage to get in a 1v1 BR battle with one of them, he was never the guy to finish you off. Their cover fire and cross fire was amazing.

Next game was TS Middy. 50-10. My average life span was nine seconds. Nine. That means I was alive for less time than it took me to respawn. Game lasted 3:29. Malice lead us with five kills. I killed no one, despite shooting 59 percent. We actually witnessed one of them shooting through a wall and getting a kill. Well, two kills, actually.

But wait. There’s more. The last game was TS Lockout. 50-5. Tsquared had the sniper most of the game. I think he was ricocheting rounds off walls and into our heads. They, of course, had the BR tower locked down.

Three times I was able to get to the sword spawn area. The first time I’m hiding down there thinking they didn’t see me when I get sniped… from BR3. Explain that one to me, kids. I’m going to go have to look for that angle.

Either way, by that point, we were just laughing. Eks began just running straight at them like a soldier in Gallipoli. I continued to try to sneak into BR 1 and stopped bothering to try to kill anyone. I think Soup was singing hymns or something. Malice kept getting sniped.

Good times.

They said they’d record the games and give them to us so we could see what they were doing. I hope so. That’ll be more enlightening than actually experiencing it. And no, you can’t watch. It’s bad enough you can see the stats.

That is all.

Carry on sucking it.