Movie Reviews, Aug. 31

Sex, Suds, Sports (Printable Version , E-mail to a Friend )

Three movies this week, so let’s just get to it, shall we?
 
Honestly, I have nothing to rant about, which seems weird, but I’m going to roll with it and take it for the blessing it is. This week, it’s all about the movies.
 
Mini’s First Time, which opens at The Circle this weekend, kind of reminds me Hard Candy, though only because they share similar subject matter--underage girls with devious minds. Mini’s First Time isn’t as good as Hard Candy, but it’s not without . . . charm.
 
Mini (Nikki Reed), short for Minerva, is a piece of work. Call her a product of her environment. Her mother, Diane (Carrie Anne Moss), failed as an actress and used the inconvenience of her pregnancy to write herself a monthly check for living the high life in high society L.A. Mini knows this. They don’t much get along.
 
To hear Mini tell it--and you do, for she does a voice-over most of the film--she’s so jaded that she floats through life looking for her next new experience, her next “first.” In this case, that first is her inaugural outing as a call girl.
 
She shows up at some high rise hotel only to discover her first is her stepfather, Martin (Alec Baldwin). After a couple moments of shock, she makes him shut off the lights, blindfolds him, then does him anyway. He only discovers who she is after the fact.
 
But by then, she’s already factoring him into her plans, plans which involve the discarding of her mother. Martin and Mini begin having a sort of twisted relationship and then eventually, talk runs to getting rid of Diane. Not killing her, mind you, but getting her committed.
 
Martin’s being played, of course, but he’s too whipped to notice. Poor guy. The character actually reminded me that Baldwin’s a good actor when he wants to be.
 
As for the rest of the film, I have some problems with the story. First off, Mini’s much more cunning and worldly than a “straight C” student has any right to be. Which means the character is not convincing. She’s too jaded, too grown up. I guess they expect you to just give into that and roll with it, but . . . I just didn’t buy that she’d go be a call girl just for “the experience.” Seventeen-year-olds aren’t looking for “experiences” yet. They don’t have that deep of a life philosophy going on.
 
Yeah, I could be over thinking it. So what. I didn’t buy her and you have to buy her to buy the movie. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a piece of work and her lack of morality is impressive for such a young antagonist. Protagonist . . . How can you be the “hero” of the story when you’re the one being bad?
 
Past all that, once I had her motivations figured out, I basically knew what was going to happen for the rest of the film. And while the “twists” weren’t meant to be shocking, they were trying to be, you know, twists. The failure of that is that the story is predictable.
 
It sounds like I didn’t enjoy watching the film. I did, I suppose. It didn’t offend my precious “critic” sensibilities. But I watched a screener tape on the couch in my living room. This is worth a matinee, not full price.
 
All Froth
 
That’s more than I can say for Beerfest.
 
I wanted to like it. The trailer was funny, and I still cut the Broken Lizard guys some slack because Super Troopers was funny. But Beerfest just falls flat. Then again, it’s not like they even try to make sense.
 
Broken Lizard movies seem to be attempts by this “comedy troupe” to throw in every gag they can think of in regard to the latest theme. The first movie, it was highway patrol. The second, it was an island resort. This time, it’s . . . beer. Normally, I’d say that’s a good thing. There is fertile comedic ground to sow in regard to beer. Maybe they just swilled too much of their “inspirational” material.
 
Here’s the “story”: Jan (Paul Soter) and Todd (Erik Stolhanske) Wolfhouse are tasked with taking the ashes of their deceased grandfather back to the homeland, which in this case is Germany.
 
It just so happens the trip coincides with Oktoberfest. They’re to meet with some guy, a yodeler, who will take them to “the place” for their grandfather’s ceremony of honor. They end up in an underground beer version of fight club. They find out their grandfather stole a super-secret beer recipe, that their great-grandmother was a prostitute, and that they can’t, in fact, drink with the Europeans.
 
So they go home, put a team together and make plans to go back to Beerfest the next year and beat zee Germans. The next hour of the movie is them “training,” which is more or less 60 minutes of off-color beer-related jokes.
 
Oh, the other guys on the team are: Barry (Jay Chandrasekhar), a beer-game prodigy; Landfill (Kevin Heffernan), who’s big and can eat and/or drink anything; and Fink (Steve Lemme), who’s a scientist-type and likes frogs.
 
That’s pretty much it. From beginning to end, it’s just sort of silly and dumb. They do a ton of gags and just sort of hope some of them will elicit laughs from the audience. And some do. Most don’t.
 
I wanted to laugh. I really did. But I just sort of sat there in my seat, chin in my hand, bored.
 
Anyway, I got this quote off the internet, because on the internet, everyone is a professional movie critic. Joe Critic wrote, “So, if you like Broken Lizard, watch this movie. If you don't, stop watching their movies and complaining that they're not funny.”
 
Uh, dude. Mostly, funny is funny. I’m not offended by off-color jokes. In fact, I’d say my rule is that I think pretty much everything funny is funny, but it’s got to be funny. With me?
 
Beerfest isn’t funny. It’s more stupid. Stupid can be funny. Here, it’s just stupid. And these guys, with the exception of Chandrasekhar, can’t act. It’s like they’re trying not to laugh at their own jokes so much they can’t bother to even try to sell the scene. Or maybe they just can’t act. Is that too much to hope for? I’ve never seen reason to complain about Vince Vaughn or Luke Wilson’s acting before.
 
I like beer. I like laughing. It would seem this would be a tailor-made movie for me. But no. I’ve let the Broken Lizard guys slide for too long because of the first 10 minutes of Super Troopers. No longer. They’re officially on my “too stupid to watch” list.
 
Wait for a rental. Or better yet, avoid it entirely. Or watch it drunk. Maybe if I’d been as drunk as the characters, I’d have had a better time.
 
Ah well.
 
Improbable
 
That just leaves us with Disney’s latest underdog sports movie, Invincible. I’d make fun of Disney for putting out these kinds of films, but they’re usually pretty well made and enjoyable to watch. Invincible is no exception.
 
I mean, dammit, I want to write bad things about it. I really do. It’s obviously an attempt to make money by a Hollywood studio. The story is going to be deliberately manipulative. And predictable. Ordinary guy makes good. How much simpler does it get?
 
But you know what? All movies are attempts to make money. This one’s marketed in the right way. It is what it is, and Disney makes no apologies for that. It’s well directed, well acted. If it’s not an Oscar-winner, so what, right? It’s entertaining and good enough. After all, when it comes down to it, all movies have to be is a good time, right?
 
Then again, maybe I’m just cutting it slack because it’s football season and I’m ready for kickoff.
 
This based-on-a-true underdog story tells the tale of Vince Papale, a Philadelphia native. In 1975, at 30 years of age, Papale, who worked as a substitute teacher and part-time bartender, attended an open try-out for the Philadelphia Eagles. He had played one year of high school football prior to tryouts.
 
He made the team and spent two full seasons and part of another on the roster.
 
That’s the story behind the movie. The movie really only covers the string of events that lead to Papale (Mark Wahlberg) trying out and making the team, ending just after the second game of his rookie season.
 
What the film does well is present Vince’s blue collar roots. It does a great job showing his relationships with his friends, his father, and depicting Philadelphia and its brothers. You get a good sense of the time and circumstance. It all feels very “real.”
 
That’s important. It’s almost too good a story to believe. You don’t just go to an open tryout and make an NFL team. Doesn’t happen.
 
I won’t write an essay about how dreams do come true. I really don’t think they do, which is why movies like this strike such a chord with people. We can’t have our dreams, so we get what we can off the few who actually do.
 
Such as it is with Invincible (and that title; who approved that title? In-Vince-ible. C’mon!). It’s a well-made underdog story. What’s not to like?
 
Out. See you next week with our fall movie preview.