Movie Reviews, May 18th

There’s Got to Be Another Remake (Printable Version , E-mail to a Friend )
This week, The Poseidon Adventure; next week, Citizen Kane

Another week, another remake.
 
I seriously don’t get it, this remake thing.
 
I don’t even want to know how many movies I’ve watched in the last three years were remakes. It’d make me sick.
 
It’s just lazy filmmaking. I hardly think the world is clamoring for remakes.
 
We don’t sit around the water cooler going, “Gee, I sure wish they’d remake Jaws. That’d be awesome. Think of what they could make that shark look like with CG.”
 
Yeah, just think of what horror they could wreak upon the memory of Jaws. Think of all the stupid things they would do with that shark. They’d probably have the stupid fish flying out of the water and four times too big. And it’d have a techno soundtrack.
 
And the new hero, whoever is playing Scheider’s character, wouldn’t kill the shark with a rifle, he’d kill it with a rocket launcher. And Quinn, he’d be played by Jack Black.
 
I don’t even want to consider who they’d get for a director.
 
And if they redid Jaws, well, that’d be the proverbial tip of the iceberg. If Jaws went down, we’d see remakes of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Casablanca and Citizen Kane. What the hell would Rosebud be? A skateboard?
 
It’s not like this isn’t going to happen. It’s a matter of when.
 
And there’s nothing you can do about it. Sure, you could make a statement and abstain from seeing remakes until Hollywood gets the point. But that’d mean you’d only get to see a movie about every four months.
 
Besides, Hollywood doesn’t give a damn about you or what you think. Studios don’t make movies for you. They make movies for the bottom line.
 
To prove my point, you need look no further than the quality of films we’re forced to . . . Okay, wait. No one is forcing us to go. We choose to go to the movies. But it’s sort of a good-faith exercise.
 
We, in good faith, give movie studios our money in exchange for “quality” entertainment. It’s an “agreement,” you might say, just like the one we have with the pigeons. We had an agreement, Jerry.
 
But here’s the other thing. Not only do studios not care about you, they think you’re too stupid to know the difference.
 
It’s the truth. And it’s not just about the movies, when you get down to it. We accept less and less every day. We accept less from our city, state and federal officials. We accept less gas for our dollars. We accept wages with less buying power--even when you get a raise, it’s not enough to counteract the cost of living increase. You’re making more and less at the same time.
 
Think about it. What industry is giving us more for our money? I’m not bitter or anything.
Where was I? Oh, right. Movies. Specifically a remake of 1972’s The Poseidon Adventure, nominee of eight Academy Awards, winner of one (best song).
 
Anything nominated for an Academy Award should not be up for consideration for remake. That should automatically make it sacrosanct.
 
Nevertheless, here it is.
 
Abandon Ship
 
I never saw the original. For a film critic, you’ve noticed, I’m a little different. I’m really not good for anything made before I was born. I’m a product of my generation, I suppose. Of my people, for my people (Yes, I mean that in jest).
 
Anyway, I only make that point to say I can’t compare the two. I don’t know if this one is greater than the one that came before, though, frankly, if the first one was nominated for eight Academy Awards (well, nine, really; it got one for special achievement in special effects), I really don’t see how this one could possibly be as good. This one sure as hell won’t be getting any Academy Award nominations.
 
Right. Get on with it. Here’s the deal. It’s New Year’s Eve aboard the ocean liner Poseidon. We’ve got your standard ensemble cast to make you wonder who’s getting out alive.
 
We have Dillon (Josh Lucas) the loner/gambler. We’ve got Maggie (Jacinda Barrett) the single mom and her son, Conor (Jimmy Bennett). We’ve got the aging dad hero guy, Robert (Kurt Russell). He’s worried about his daughter, Jennifer (Emmy Rossum), canoodling with her boyfriend Christian (Mike Vogel), although they are secretly engaged. There’s Richard (Richard Nelson), who’s sad because he’s alone. And lastly, there’s Elena (Mia Maestro) the stowaway.
 
They’re all living their lives when the ship is struck by a rogue wave. A “rogue wave” is a 10-story tall wave that can be caused by a number of things. Weather, sea-bottom earthquakes . . . Two large ships a week sink and scientists are beginning to think it’s because of rogue waves, which they used to think were rare.
 
The Poseidon gets hit by the wave and capsizes. Dozens of people are killed immediately. Those in the main ballroom, the ones who survived the initial roll, find themselves trapped and playing the waiting game.
 
Dillon, however, has other ideas. He knows how to get off an upside down ship. That way out is through the propeller shafts, which are now at the “top” of the ship.
 
To get there, they have to traverse any number of hazards; flooding passageways, narrow air vents, fires, dead bodies, chasms . . . you name it.
 
There are enough of them that you know some of them aren’t going to make it. That’s why you have an ensemble cast in a disaster movie to begin with.
 
Okay, so the verdict. Yes, the movie is harrowing and exciting to watch. You don’t really care about the characters so much as you can’t wait to figure out who’s going to bite it next and how. Okay, wait. That’s insensitive.
 
All good thrillers work by keeping you in a state of uncertainty. They keep you at a heightened sense of worry by see-sawing between good moments and bad ones. For every improvement in the situation of the main characters, something worse is coming. At least until the end of the movie.
 
Poseidon actually does a pretty good job of keeping you worrying. That’s a good thing. That’s what these kinds of films are supposed to do. But there’s no character depth. The story we’ve seen many times since 1972, and not just with this remake. In short, there’s nothing extraordinary about Poseidon.
 
It’s a competent film. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s just nothing to make you dash out to the theatre to see it. Be happy to check it out as a matinee, however.
 
In fact, until further notice, consider all summer movies matinees. It’s just safer that way.
 
When A Rose Dies
 
Next up is Sophie Scholl, opening Friday at The Circle. Hey, have you noticed, or is it just me, that we have a preponderance of Nazi/Holocaust movies playing at the Circle since its opening?
 
It’s the story of, well, Sophie Scholl and her brother Hanz. In 1943 Munich, they operated as part of the White Rose, an anti-Nazi resistance movement.
 
They print up a bunch of fliers and distribute them at the university they attend. But a janitor busts them and calls the Gestapo.
 
Sophie and Hanz are taken into custody and interrogated. Sophie’s story is so convincing she almost gets set free. Almost. But no. Her brother cracks and they get fast tracked for a trial. Their crime, treason, is punishable by death.
 
Much of the film is devoted to conversations between Sophie and her interrogator, Robert Mohr, who is constantly trying to either get more information from her, or to get her to recant. He’s got a soft spot for Sophie.
 
But it’s based on a true story, and the true story ended tragically. As such, Sophie Scholl ends on a low note. It left me feeling depressed, really.
 
On the one hand, that’s good. Movies that get an emotional response are a good thing. A rare thing.
 
Much of the content of the movie is sort of inspirational. It’s refreshing to see a movie about ideals instead of just a plot.
 
There are some slow parts, sure. But it’s not an action film. It’s a drama. Good acting. Good production. Good story. Good movie. You can pay full price for it.
 
That’s all for this week. See ya next week with a look at The Da Vinci Code.