Cop Speak

Just how big were those two beers?"

"Your life is not my fault."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after
you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?"

"Warning?! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair?! You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey-poop."

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I know, I know! Your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention
center."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust; all others are suspects."