Falelorn
Shared on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 22:42To start off, I have no clue why I am even saying anything in the blog today, I am just so over the top in pain tonight I should self medicate and drink my self into a stupor and wake up next week.
I have not had the best life, but it could have been worse, but the lowest points come in the form of family and friends. I have major issues with both, my marriage fell apart because my wife couldnt handle the few years it would have taken for me to get better after my accident, my best friend killed her self on a night I was supposed to see her, but due to being tired I decided not to, a good friend took an ice pick in the throat in a bar fight I started and my biological father is getting closer to dying.
Not that him dying would be a bad thing, he was the worst sort of human. Several forms of abuse by him, my first memory of anything is him showing me a gun and bullets he is going to use to kill my mother (he never did), I dont like small spaces, I dont like the dark, I am afraid of water, dont come up to me from behind, and more.. basically use your imagination.
I hate him so much it took my grandfather who was an ex cop, and my uncle, ex military to pull me at 13 off of him because I tried to kill him. I couldnt go to my grandparents funeral because he was going to be there.
So I find out today that he is dying, and its not painful, which is a shame. But do I try and make peace and go see the sperm donor to try and get closure? I do not know. I honestly hate him. Hands down I do not know what I would do if I saw him. I have seen a shrink and they said eventually I should get closure with him, but not for a long while.
Everyone is leaving me alone tonight, I guess the look on my face of chaotic frustration told them to get out of the area, even my cat is no where to be found.
I seriously feel lost. All I know is maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe God, in his wisdom will give me the power to go back to when I was 13 and react faster and save the world any more time with him.
There is nothing like a good drink to help solve the worlds problems.. but I am out of Jack Daniels.
I have not had the best life, but it could have been worse, but the lowest points come in the form of family and friends. I have major issues with both, my marriage fell apart because my wife couldnt handle the few years it would have taken for me to get better after my accident, my best friend killed her self on a night I was supposed to see her, but due to being tired I decided not to, a good friend took an ice pick in the throat in a bar fight I started and my biological father is getting closer to dying.
Not that him dying would be a bad thing, he was the worst sort of human. Several forms of abuse by him, my first memory of anything is him showing me a gun and bullets he is going to use to kill my mother (he never did), I dont like small spaces, I dont like the dark, I am afraid of water, dont come up to me from behind, and more.. basically use your imagination.
I hate him so much it took my grandfather who was an ex cop, and my uncle, ex military to pull me at 13 off of him because I tried to kill him. I couldnt go to my grandparents funeral because he was going to be there.
So I find out today that he is dying, and its not painful, which is a shame. But do I try and make peace and go see the sperm donor to try and get closure? I do not know. I honestly hate him. Hands down I do not know what I would do if I saw him. I have seen a shrink and they said eventually I should get closure with him, but not for a long while.
Everyone is leaving me alone tonight, I guess the look on my face of chaotic frustration told them to get out of the area, even my cat is no where to be found.
I seriously feel lost. All I know is maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe God, in his wisdom will give me the power to go back to when I was 13 and react faster and save the world any more time with him.
There is nothing like a good drink to help solve the worlds problems.. but I am out of Jack Daniels.
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Comments
Submitted by TheCrazyPerson on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 22:50
Submitted by Nochnoi-Dozor on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 22:59
Submitted by Gatsu on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 23:03
Submitted by Smithcraft on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 23:12
Submitted by Punisher138 on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 23:14
Submitted by UnwashedMass on Tue, 02/27/2007 - 23:16
Submitted by blastchickbaby on Thu, 03/01/2007 - 08:03