How to act sophisticated: A guide to eating in a Fine-Dining Establishment

I realize some of you troglodytes have never been to a restaurant that doesnt have a dollar menu. In the interest of making the world a better place, Ill be teaching you barbarians how to be civilized in a fine-dining establishment much like Europeans tamed the savage injun and showed him how to wear underpants. It might hurt a bit and you could get small pox but wont you be so proud when you discover which fork is for what?

First things first, make sure you are wearing underpants. Ladies, for you ;;this is optional.

Actually you want to make reservations first. Nothing is more embarassing than taking your lawfully married wife, or your buddys lawfully married wife to a fancy restaurant than being made to wait hours for a table or being turned away entirely. Sure, you could grease the palm of the hostess or maitre d, and that might even impress your adulterous date, but it aint fun spending cash when you dont need to. When you make a reservation, ask for a table in a quiet corner. Tables near the kitchen or near the bathroom are not desirable. Having your food appear 20 seconds earlier so you can consume it without a breath and save yourself 10 steps to the bathroom so you can promptly expell it from your bowells isnt exactly worth it. Youll find it hard to talk if the kitchen is open, which is a major trend lately, and the traffic to and from the restroom by the patrons and to and from the kitchen by the staff will drive you batty. So preempt these problems by trying to stay away from major traffic areas.

OK! Youve made reservations, but guess what. If the restaurant is any good, youre going to have to wait anyway. Generally theyll shuffle you off to the bar to have a drink and grab you whenever your table is ready. Restaurants do this on purpose so they get more bar business than they usually would.

You make it to the table and wait for your mom, i mean date to sit first. Then you take your seat. Menus will be handed out to you by the hostess. Take the time to look them over. Theyll be useless. Your waitress/waiter, a waiter will be more common in a 5 star establishment, will approach and explain the features to you. Generally two types of features, or specials, exist; 1) The kind that have food that will spoil quickly or is close to spoiling. 2.) A really good feature because the chef has decided to show his stuff this evening. You can tell the difference bewteen the two if the meat/fish being offered in the feature is actually on the menu but served differently and the feature has a heavy cream sauce over it to help hide the flavor. If the feature has both attributes, dont order it. If the feature is something that isnt on the menu, you can rest assured it is reasonably fresh and youll enjoy it.

Anyway, your server has told you the features and she isnt leaving. This is because she wants a drink order and/or an appetizer order. Now is when you decide if you would like to share some calamari or bruschetta with your underage, easily impressed date, or not. You also have the choice to choose a bottle of wine.

Wine is probably the easiest thing to order, but everyone gets all flustered by it because the only wine theyre familiar with comes in a can or has a screw off top. Heres the safe way to go. You dont want to look like a dip, but you dont want to order something you hate. Your date wants something sweet. White Zinfandel will definitely get you the dip look from the staff and many other patrons, so steer clear of that. I know you may like it, but it isnt really wine, it is pressed grape juice with a ton of sugar and a little alcohol. Stick with other whites. A gewerstramiener would be your choice, or a good pinor gris/grigio. But she wants a red. Shes nuts, but you can go conservative here too. Merlot ;;has acquired a horrbile reputation since the movie Sideways but most morons dont know that the grapes that make merlot are in almost ;;every meritage ;;made. so get a meritage light on the cab franc and you should be ok.

Don not ever, ;;I mean ever, smell the cork of your wine. All youre proving to your server is youre an idiot and watch too many movies. Instead take the cork in your finger and rub your thumb over the wet end. Youre checking to see if the cork screw busted through the cork and let pieces of cork fall into the wine, and if the cork is waterlogged and rotten. It is going to be wet, but large chunks of cork should not fall off at one swipe of the cork. Then put the cork down and resist the urge to smell it. The steward or waiter will then pour a sample of wine into the glass. With your index finger and middle finger on opposite sides of the stem of the glass, swirl the wine around in a circle a couple of times. Grab the glass by the stem and put your nose into the glass and inhale, smelling the bouquet of the wine. Then take a swig of wine and swirl it around in your mouth breathing in at the same time. Then swallow. You dont know shit about wine, but you look like you do if you do this. If the wine hasnt turned to vinnegar, just look at the waiter/steward and nod. Hell fill your date up and then you second. Congratulations, you just faked it!

Youve ordered wine, appetizers, salad and an entree. They will come out in that order with bread either appearing before or after the appetizer. The general rule with your forks is work outside, in, and then up. This means use the fork way outside for your apps unless a utensil is provided with the app itself. Then use the next fork for your salad. the next and final one on the side will be for your entree. If you have a fork or spoon above your plate it is for your desert should you order it.

So your food is out and youre chowing down. Men generally finish before women. This is because women can never shut up long enough to eat. Of course the opposite could be true as well: Men cant talk because they always have food in their mouths. Either way, dont get mad or insist the waiter take your plate if your date is still eating. It is considered rude to remove a plate until everyone is done so stop snapping your fingers like the Fonze expecting someone to get rid of it.

Youll get dessert now and have an option or two. You could have dessert in the restaurant, or retire to the bar and enjoy it there. Trust me, the ownership will love you if you do this. Youll free up a table for them. Youll probably enjoy it more too because dessert should be shared in a loud environment where the liquor flows. Here you could enjoy a muscat, B&B, port or maybe even a double boch beer. Those things are dessert in themselves.

But Here is the most fun way to enjoy a meal out. Ask the hostess who your server is and get ahold of him in advance. Tell him how much you are willing to spend total (excluding gratuity) ;;and hell choose a meal for you. If hes a waiter who enjoys his job, hell love doing this. Just inform him of any allergies in advance, and ask him to come to the table and ask your date what kind of meat she enjoys the most and what kind of sauces she likes. Then ask him to ask her what she hates to eat the most. Listen to this guys, especially if youre on a first date, youll learn a lot and shell like that you listened and remembered what she likes to eat and hates. Hell then do his thing and youll have a great time. Itll also make you look like a favorite customer if your sister, ;;I mean date, has no clue you asked for this.

So, now you know what to do on a typical evening out at a nice restaurant. Nothing special here, just some basics. Wine is the big thing that throws people for a loop. But heres a secret...chances are your waiter doesnt have a clue either. He only knows the basics too. If you act like you know what youre doing, everyone ;;assumes you do. You can even impress your bosses on a business dinner by doing this. Just be sure to order something with a kick to it like a cabernet sauvignon or a meritage with a 60/40 split of cabernet sauvingnon in it. Trust me. Ive taught many businessmen about wine and how to entertain and they never had a clue, but you can not go wrong with ;;a safe ;;80 dollar bottle of cabernet.

Hope you learned something you unsophisticted pig dogs. ;;