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An umbrella is not a weapon, no matter how many times you fence the neighbor’s dog with it and by fence I mean sell on the corner like the naked “Klepto” you are and by naked I mean the naked truth of facing your fears of addiction and by fears of addiction I mean that you’re chronically addicted to phobias and I mean who wouldn’t love a phobia, once you’re afraid of heights you kind of fall in love with it.  I figure it’s like going to the pound or the humane society and getting an unwanted fear, a fear no one wants like the fear of pencils or the fear of sex, I mean it’s not like we are all pencil chewing cardiomyopathy patients dancing across the high wire to red light district.  Did you know that even though we don’t need them, pencils are everywhere?  And anyways I’m a total utilitarian when comes to a pencil.  I walk into Office Max and I just start throwing printer cartridges at people, screaming, “Wake up! It’s toner!”…pah pencils, you can’t poke yourself in the eye with toner.

 

There’s nothing like a fear of squirrels to give you perspective.  They are everywhere, except the one time I didn’t see any is when I had a shotgun…how did they know?  Maybe they had an emergency session of the forest creature UN and Kofi Annan their elected supreme leader decided all squirrels would remain in the designated squirrel bunker and squirrel away until the shotgun wielding maniac left the forest preserve known as the thin strip of wooded land between the dumpsters of Chile’s and the TGI Fridays on the far east side of Wherever, USA. I mean I was dumpster diving for a good three hours before anyone told me to leave.  The hardest part of dumpster diving is crawling in that thing with all the gear: tank, weights, underwater camera, diving instructor, diving flag, snacks, etc.

 

Instead of a bunk bed I always wanted a real dead elephant, preserved through the magic of taxidermy.  In the body cavity, would be my bed.  I would crawl in and out of its mouth.  I would definitely put a peep hole at the back and maybe a mini-fridge.