The fourth should be celebrated with alcohol and kindness.

As you tilted back your drunken head and smile at the pretty sprinkling lights, think about what it all means.  People have died for you and they have died for themselves.  It’s the choice they made.  Your choice generally is light beer vs. regular fully carbo-ed beer.  Your choice is do I honk at that jerk who cut me off or would I rather peacefully let the fools rush around me.  You choice: what size of ice milk blended with candy do you want to shove down your pie hole?  Your choice is that you get up in the morning and no one is shooting at you, no one is forcing you to vote a certain way, no one is forcing you to believe what they believe ( they might tell you but you really don’t have to) and if you don’t agree they tend not to shoot you without consequences.  I say be kind as you enjoy your risky lifestyle with explosives and alcohol, lord knows it would be a lot harder to light bottle rockets five at a time out of my hand with a propane torch if I didn’t have three beers in me.

Enjoy this pleasant mid-week holiday, don’t scare children and pets. Refrain from offensive sign language and swears at others.  With that all being said remind the British, the Germans, the Spanish, the French, the Chinese, the Romans, the Japanese, the Swedish, the Zylons of Fernando Zeta Seven and pretty much everyone else that the US included has been an imperialist at one time or another.  I say we all have invaded or conquered, been invaded or been conquered, rebelled or overthrown the foreign nationals that so impolitely took over the land we took over from someone else…so the 4^th of July celebration is not just for Old Glory but everyone’s Old Glory because unless we realize we are all fighting for our home we will understand that the people who need to meet their makers early are the ones who propose invading in the first place.  There are more peace loving people that idiots who like to war around to make themselves feel important, we have them out numbered thank goodness.

I’m a patriot. I’m a lover of this nation and all I want is peace, quiet and to play my damn Xbox where I can kill fake people in pure unadulterated glory of cold calculated pacifism.