I want to have a real live duck hat; there is nothing like webbed feet on me head.

What makes you an office deviant?

Putting espresso in the decaf

Peeing in the drinking fountain

Sticking gum under co-workers desks

Pouring grain alcohol on people’s lunches at 9 am

Licking people’s mice

Putting Vaseline on the telephone ear piece

Smearing chocolate fudge frosting on the toilet seat

Pouring lemonade mixed with ammonia all over the urinal

Staring at your boss during lunch

At night dressing up like the Darko Bunny and scaring the biscuits out of your co-worker’s kids by standing in the back yard and peering at them first through the windows, then climbing in to their basement through the window wells, then up the basement stairs, into the kitchen where you drink some beer and eat some Danish, then pet the dog and fill its furry belly with delectable doggy treats, then claw crawling your way into the children’s bed room and peering at them whispering scary things about how sugar will turn them into diabetic cannibals. You then dance about the house throwing carob cover raisins around for their morning pleasure.

Sitting naked at your desk throw Cinna-buns at anyone who enters.

Inviting everyone to Ruby Tuesday’s for a free lunch on you and then detonating the nuke and starting WWIII.