Sometimes I can’t help but picture people as little roasting chickens.

My errand list today had two things on it and if I got kidnapped or disappeared and all they found was my list they might get the wrong idea.  Here is the list:

Drug Prescriptions

Vodka

I wish whiskey could cure more than just jock itch.

I wish chocolate syrup would come out of my shower, well maybe chocolate syrup infused with THC.

I want to know what a bite out of crime would taste like…maybe it would taste like hot strawberries.

If I had my own close line, I would make a line of trousers called pudding pants.  It would really just be a Jell-O inspired form of spray on clothing and completely edible. You would find it at your local grocer down the baking goods isle next to the vegetable oil and Crisco. Three steps: Add mix, add milk and stir.  Voilà! Pudding Pants! Its fun for all ages (0-99).

I could also create a line of Halloween costumes called Hand Over Fist.  It would be purely pugilistic.

Today my dermatologist is going to take a small survey team and chart my body for malformations. My favorite medical procedure has thus been when they found a curious mole in the crack of my ass.  I was not as curious about it as they were, but my doctor was not deterred.  They had me lay on the table and a nurse was not the rib spreader but the cheek spreader. I was glad that I had not eaten anything spicy for lunch.  The best was when they did not get all of it and had to go in for seconds.

I tend to have the most embarrassing ailments for my body, which I will have to lament about in the future.  Coming soon to a theater near you…Klinefelter's Monster it has not two chromosomes but three!

Still not that into pudding pants? They are pants that pop.