Your face is a denial of service.

Lent seems like a do-over for New Year’s resolutions except you only have to keep it up for 46 days.

Snickers is the candy where the joke is on you.

Turkeys are the whores of the jungle.

When I say testify, I mean drink your coffee and then spray spit it out of your mouth all over your co-car-poolers new car back seat and then tell him you sprayed a new scent back there called coffee spite! And of course the two people sitting back there get to enjoy a sample of the new scent for free. Free coffee, free scent, fresh faces…and it’s black coffee, it’s not double mocha latte with extra vanilla syrup or extra foam, it’s good old fashioned black Sanka/Maxwell House, darker than black…those seats are black leather treated against UV and water so enjoy what I did for you! That is why in the summer it’s all a thong for you guys and no uneven tans, I bronze everywhere from tip to tip to tip.

So because of dry skin in the winter I alternate soapy days, odd days it’s totally washing and on even days its P&P, pits and pubes. You have to take care of your bits, because that’s where it it’s.