An extensive update...

Alots been going on. Alot to update...so I'll get started.

Last week at Julias house was half good/half bad. Good because I got to be with her all week. Bad because we were both sick, she smoked alot and the house was messy. She had a hard time sleeping all week as well, so we didnt get to share a bed much. Other than that, it was good.

Theres some other stuff going on with Julia and her home situation...but Im not gonna get into it because it just pisses me off. But I will ask, for those who read my blog that pray, please keep her in your prayers. She needs strength to get past some addictions and to get past a financial situation she is in now thanks to her mom.

I've been thinking about her alot when she's not around...sometimes its good...sometimes not good. Its just mainly the cigerette thing and the drinking shes been doing alot thats been getting to me. I drank with her one night last week and that was it for me...but about every other night she had a couple of beers. I'm not her parent though...and a couple of beers here and there aren't bad. But when its as consistent as it has been...it can become a problem. So I'm hoping she will decide to quit or at least back off from it soon.

On other things...been struggling with my religious beliefs. I believe in God and Jesus...and have accepted Christ and at one point had a pretty good walk with God...but the past few years I've fallen way behind and turned my back on God. Not for anything I blame him for....I don't blame God for anything...I blame his children. I have no quarrels with the creator...just his children. I've been stabbed in the back more times by those claiming to be his children then those who live the way of the world. Its sad. I guess thats why I dont put myself in the same group as "christians". I don't like the extra baggage that comes from claiming yourself as such. People automatically assume you're gonna be a fire and brimstone, God hates fags, kinda person....and Im far from that.

I believe that judging people is Gods job. Not mine. I live my life as an example as best as I can. And I will share what i believe with someone if they ask. But Im not gonna push what I believe on someone. Jesus was not about that. I believe what I believe. Thats my choice. You have made your choices.

Another struggle has been my hatred of people in general. When I'm out and about in town, behind my sungless I stare daggers at people and wish for just one moment that God would grant me laser eyes so that I could cut people down. Wrong I know...but thats how I've been feeling for a long time.

I hate people...unless I know them or game with them...i want nothing to do with them. Im not easily approachable in a public setting, and I dont have a problem making people uncomfortable if I don't like them.

And I know its not right....I wasn't always like that. And its hard to tell where the change happened really. I think if alot of you knew me more personally and heard some of the things I say about the human race on a regular basis...I would probably scare you and you would never want to talk to me again.

I guess I've become a callused person in some ways. Hard and unforgiving towards people. Now with some its the total opposite. But about 98% of the time I'm in anger mode. Waiting and watching for someone to try to piss me off. And you know what they say...you look hard enough...it'll be there.

I dunno...I just need some prayer I guess. Some peace of mind would be stellar...my mind is never at rest.

Thats it for now...theres more but I dont feel like typing anymore. I'll post again later tonight.

Gatsu OUT!