Life altering decision time.

I always hate this time of year. End of the year....you look back and the only thing you see is how you didn't use it to its fullest. All that time that could have been used for something else. Then you make promises for the next year...that you'll do better.....that you'll drop that extra weight, get that better job....make that big important decision thats gonna make or break you.

I hate this crap.

Growing up I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to draw comics. I wanted to be like Jim Lee...and Marc Silvestri and Joe Madureira. Those guys were my heroes because they got paid and made a real life doing what they loved, drawing comic books.

When I was 17 or 18 I put together a portfolio consisting of 8 full comic pages (called several companies and had scripts emailed to me for reference), and 3 or 4 covers. Some were pencil, some were inked, and some were full color. I wanted to show my range of talents in each thing...and then they picked what they felt I was stronger in.

Wrote a nice little cover letter for each company I sent it to, and then waited. I shipped a porfolio to all the biggies, Marvel, DC, Image....and some of the not-so-biggies, Chaos!, Sirius, Dark Horse.

And every company got back to me. And every company turned me down. They were all very nice about it, and even a few of them included some helpful tips that so that I could improve on what I had. They all said I was talented and could be great, but there were some things I needed to work on and get more proficient in.

Devastation was not a strong enough word for how I felt. I'm not what you would call a confident person. It probably took a month or so to build up the courage (and support from my parents) to even mail the portfolios off. So getting a letter back from every company saying "Sorry kid...not quite there yet..." crushed my little dreams. lol.

I continued to draw, but more for recreational purposes or personal projects....or occasionally a piece for a friend as a gift or something. After a year or so of this I put together another set of portfolios together and sent them off again. This time to several art colleges as well.

Again a No go from all the comic companies. The art colleges I never even got replies from.

During this time I had started delving into HTML and very basic web design. After putting together some sites for people, I figured...hey, Im good at this and I like it. So I dove more into a graphic design background. If a pencil isn't gonna help, then maybe its time to try a new tool. They all said the talent was there....just needed refining.

So I went for a graphic design & web development degree in college. Excelled in all the classes, had my work put all over the walls of the college and got nothing but praise from peers and professors. Graduated and got my paper & portfolio in hand and ready to go into the work force.

I graduated I believe in either 2003 or 2004...dont remember which. But its been several years now and the 1 and only job i've held down out of the 5 or so I've had has been a graphic design job. And thats my current job. And I'm pulling in maybe $14,000 a year. And thats before taxes.

While I talked to my mom the other day, she asked me what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. She knows Im not happy where I am and wanna move. I looked at her and said..."what life?". Then it struck me like a kick in the balls....

I have no fucking clue what I want out of life. I've let myself get into this neat little bubble....this bubble of total fuck-it-all zen.....

Even though I still draw or doodle occasionally, I know I've pretty much given up on making sequential art my career.
I love movies & film making, but have no idea how to really get into the field or what aspect of the process I want to specialize in.

I like writing....and have had people tell me I'm very creative and a pretty good writer...so maybe thats a direction I need to go? Become an author or screenplay writer? Or movie director?

Again...I have no fucking clue.

I love art, music, movies.....and I've always been told to find a job involving something you love. But where do I fit into that? I don't know.

All I know is I hate where I am....and that the graphic design field may not be enough to make a career out of unless I move to a major city or become freelance.

So I've got some major decisions to make and I have no idea which direction I need to head into.

I really need some kind of hint or sign...I've been praying about it. Ok I lie...I haven't. I figured you know...I can do this. No divine intervention needed. Well I guess I am wrong. lol.
So for those out their that do pray. Please keep me in prayer....I desperately need it.

Gatsu OUT!