An update about me and Jules.

I posted the other day that I came home toa drunk girlfriend and an underage mutual friend. I wrote that post out of quick, pure emotional anger, and it was before she and I had a chance to talk about what was going on. So the post wasn't really fair to her or her situation at all. I wanna remedy that. Because she deserves better than that. The post painted a bad picture of her...and an untrue image of her. She's not a cold-hearted bitch that doesn't think of me at all. Quite the opposite. She's very loving, caring, and thinks about me alot. Probably too much. lol.

Not all the times we have together are bad....not even 30% I'd say. Yeah we do have some rough spots....but we ALWAYS manage to talk about it and get things straightened out so we're both on the same page and we both have a better understanding of whats going on with each other. We made a promise to each other to do that because of the things we've seen happen with other couples...friends, family and whatnot.

Thursday afternoon I waked into an odd situation after having a shitty day and a rough night previously from lack of sleep. Let me paint the picture. Last wednesday night, jules and I attended a mutual friends birthday party. Jules wanted to stay with her friend and hang out some more, sing some kareoke....etc...sure ok. So I went home so I could try to get some sleep for work the next day. I didn't sleep for shit, because I don't care for being alone in the apartment. Call me a wuss....I dunno what it is. I'm not worried about a break-in...I just hate being completely alone I guess. Living with my parents I rarely was. Even though I was in a room with the door closed, someone was always nearby I guess. Just got too used to that.

So anyway...lack of sleep = pissy Gatsu. I go into work....rough day, end up going home early due to getting all my work done insanely fast. I walk in the door, first thing I see on the floor is a huge bottle of Vodka (half empty), a bottle of Goldshulagger (or however you spell it) with maybe 6 shots left in it and a big jug of orange juice...and I hear laughter in the next room. First thing that jumped in my mind "shit...they are drunk..." Sure enough. Jules had picked up a 6-pack the previous night and had been drinking that at the party. So she'd had quite a bit to drink. I got hot about it. Too hot...and was supremely pissed off at both of them. Part of it (looking back) was probably jealousy on my part for not being able to cut loose like that. Having to go in and work....coming home to drunk friends can kinda make you wanna feel less responsible. lol.

Anyway...I digress. The two of them came out of the game room and greeted me...I gave them no answer. I let them both know I was pissed off, our friend parked it on the couch and I went into the game room, sat by my computer and typed my previous blog. Again out of pure raw emotion...no forethought other than "Me pissed...type message now."

When I finished, Jules came in and was pretty upset. Not mad...but more worried. She wanted to know what I was mad. I said "you really have to ask?" "Yes." So I unleashed it. I tore into her about how I was pissed she got to have fun while I was stuck at fucking work all day, had a shit night previous, how our friend in the next room shouldn't be drinking because we could get in trouble...etc...etc....And I was about to ask her not to talk to me and get up and go out and about somewhere. But I saw her starting to cry. Then the floodgates. There was alot more going on than what I was seeing....alot more with her than what had been said the past few weeks.

She told me about how her meds just haven't been working, how noisy it is in her head and how hard it gets for her to even think about getting up every day and existing. She can't go to see her doctor until her appointment on the 19th. They won't see her any sooner, and she can't really go into the mental health center. That place is a shit hole that I wouldn't want my worst enemy locked up in. It does more harm than good.

Basically she broke down right infront of me and told me everything that had been going on. And man....I felt like I was maybe 3 inches tall. What an ass.....I had assumed the worst and had my head stuck in my ass about it. I didn't give a shit why she was drinking...I was just pissed that she was having fun and I had to be responsible.

She's diabetic and diagnosed bi-polar. For those that don't know....each of these conditions are tough on their own....but to have both is extremely hard. Because the drugs for one affect the other pretty dramatically. Bi-polar meds really fuck with her blood-sugar levels, making it hard for her to do anything because if she does alot and her sugar is high...its basically like forcing ketchup through her veins. Not healthy. And she takes meds to help quiet her mind so she can focus and function. Anxiety, depression...you name it. Its probably there. So Julia has got it really rough.

And her family life before I came into the picture wasn't very good either. Imagine the absolute WORST support system ever for a young woman growing up with these conditions. Her mom was also bi-polar, but mostly unmedicated. w00t. Plus her parents got divorced, her mom got married to a cocaine-addict that threatened their lives....the list just goes on and on. Physical and mental abuse....again. You name it. Its probably there somewhere. Just an overall fucked up situation.

Ontop of this, the meds she takes for her mental illnesses do not work all the time and have to be switched around for other meds occasionally. This takes time and is really rough on her, because there's that 2-3 week period of the new drug getting into her system (which means taking a long time to work), and getting over not taking the old medicine. So voices, noisy head, high blood sugar, not having gotten over all the past issues, being alone all day while your boyfriend is off building joysticks and you don't get to see him like you need too...or talk to him like you need too......yeah. It gets really damn rough. And since the meds don't work...the only thing that seems to do...and is easy to aquire...is alchohol. Trust me...she knows its not the best option. We've talked about it. But thats the option she thinks she can handle for right now temporarily until she can see her doctor. I don't care for her drinking....but Im not her parent. She has to do for herself.

I wasn't aware that things were as bad as they were. I thought she was doing a good job handling it. But it was just that she didn't have the time to tell me she was falling apart because I haven't been around enough. For the past 2-3 weeks I've been at my parents house almost every night working on stick orders.

So...yeah.

She's got it a lot rougher than I do. And she's scared that shes gonna fuck up and push me away some day. I don't know what the future holds for us both. But for the forseeible future...thats not gonna happen. I love her way too much to let that happen. And I know she loves me because of the sacrifices she makes for me.

But after about an hour or so of talking, crying and all that...we got it settled. I now know what was going on with her, why she was drinking still, and wasn't upset about it anymore.

And for those worried about the underage friend thing. She's 20 about to turn 21 next week. So no harm, no foul really.