Depression 100000000 Me 1

Well I think I am loseing the battle right now with depression, my medication isn't working like it used 2 weeks ago.I had to take an additional dose yesterday to try and balance my head out.

It didn't work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All it did for me is make the thoughts in my head run faster, I wanted to get up and do something other than sleep.This shit is supposed to help me sleep at night not make me hyper.I once again feel like the world is against me and out to get me.Nothing I do is good enough for anyone, and I just want to give up.The food I put on the table isn't good enough for my kids, they will turn their noses up to everything that isn't junk food.I know, I know their kids, but it makes me feel like shit when they do that.If they do eat dinner, they come back an hour later looking for something to eat.They do this whereever we go also.They can eat their damn fill at an all you can eat place then come up an hour later wanting more.I keep telling them to stop eating so much because their going to turn out fat and miserable like me.They just shrug their shoulders and act like they never heard me and continue to eat.My boys are constantly active and my wife thinks thats why they eat so much.

But thats not the reason, they do it because they don't want the other to have it first, or to eat the last of it.They waste more than they eat also, I have tried everything I can think of convince them that money is tight since we lost our food stamps.We have to make the money we have strech for 2 weeks on food, gas, and bills.Getting paid every other week sucks big monkey balls!

Everyone keeps telling me quit get a job that pays you weekly.Why don't you fucking quit your goddamn job and start over asshole.I work by myself, my wife tries to work but she has to take care of her elderly father also.I don't resent her for that, I appluad her for that.But it does make it harder on me to be the only one bringing in the money.I don't want to start over and work my ass off to prove myself worthy of working with others.I don't want to earn everyones respect once again for working the jobs they didn't want.The jobs they couldn't do or the jobs that involve getting a little dirty.......ok a whole lot dirty.

I am proably the only person I know who climb underneath a steel bar rolling machine and clean the shit out from underneath it, after being asked to do it.I didn't receive any cover alls, nothing to put on over my clothes I was just told to get my ass under it and clean up the grease under it.I did it for 45 mins and was fired after that.I was told that they didn't need me anymore and that the temp agency made a mistake sending me out there.I go back to the temp angency still covered in grease and ask them about it.They said there was no mistake sending me out to that job, but that wasn't the description that they had received on my job duties.I was supposed to help out with Spring cleaning in the warehouse and paint some walls in a couple of control rooms.

So yeah I do the jobs no one wants I don't ask questions about why I need to do it.As long as I'm paying my bills and trying to buy food, then the job will have to do.
I will put up with all the politicail bullshit that goes on.
I will endure the hurtful insults said to me everyday.
I will do whatever it takes for you and everyone else to sleep better at night because thats the only way you can feel better about yourself.
i will be everyones punching bag.

I think that this is what has triggered it all over again for me.It wasn't like it was when I was a kid and had to goto 6 different funerals in a years time.Thinking repeatadly about the finality of never being able to tell someone your sorry or goodbye.To tell that joke or to reflect on the good ole days and to hear about the world through their eyes.

Like the way I see the world takeing a great big shit on me everytime I crack a smile and say you can't beat me.........but it does.