Crazy Cat Lady

There were warning signs from day one. When she first moved in she left all of her stuff in boxes outside my door. The stairs are near my apartment and she decided to stack all her junk and take the boxes upstairs one by one. I saw her collection of books spilling out of one of the boxes and noticed titles such as "The Holy Blood Covenant". That was pretty weird but hey, all I read are Playboy's and Game Informer so who I am to judge? About a week later she appears out of nowhere to say hello to me. It was a Sunday morning and my son and I were outside basking in the warmth of the sun. She introduced herself and asked about my wife. I told her I don't have a wife and she said "What about that girl I see you with?" When I told her that was my girlfriend she gave me the weirdest look and then just walked off. Not another word. Uh, ok.

Ever since then she has refused to talk to me. I started to wonder what it was. Maybe she was being judgmental because of that one time I was on the patio having wild drunken sex with my hottie at 3 am. Maybe she didn't like me yelling out obscenities while I sprayed my man juice all over the place. I couldn't figure it out. But whatever, to each his own.

Then it started getting really weird. She started dressing like a lunatic and walking around at night. She wears this dark jogging suit, a baseball cap very low over her eyes, and sunglasses… at night. She looks like those celebrities that want to go to Whole Foods without being recognized. But there is another accessory that she carries with her each and every night as she wanders aimlessly around the park area. Ready for this? She has in her hand a leash, and on the end of this leash is a cat. Yes, a freakin' cat. And not just any cat. Apparently this cat speaks English because she talks to it constantly. The same woman who refuses to talk to me spends hours talking to a four legged fur ball. And the conversations are classic. Last night her and her cat 'Sunshine' had a chat about spiders and how they hurt cats and how fast they run and how many legs they have and what color they are and blah blah blah blah blah… wtf?

So now I am faced with the fact that when given a choice between saying hello to me and yapping it up to a freakin' cat, I lose. The kooky cat chick would rather talk to a cat about spiders then bear the agony of giving me the courtesy 'hello' wave when I get home. It's pretty bad when even the crazies avoid you. I was thinking of dressing as a cat for Halloween, at least then I might get a scratch behind the ear and a can of 'Friskies' out of her.

The good thing is that at least now I have something to look forward at night. My GF and I sit there on the patio just waiting for her to appear... kinda like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. It makes for very good mocking when there is nothing on TV and I am tired of leveling up guns that I hate on COD.