Dad Spam: Hangover Stages

No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You
can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental
capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut,
which is still tossing around the fruity pancake
from the 3:00 A.M. Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked
upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels like shit. You are
definitely not productive.  Anytime a girl walks
by you gag because her perfume reminds you of
the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
if you were home in your bed watching Friends
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you
haven't pissed o nce.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only
shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in
perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take
during the day brings water to the eyes of everyo ne who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in
an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your
tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest
idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a
rare 'float er' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good right about now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE
DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

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