Drug Test

So I had to take a drug test today in order to be allowed to start working at my new job. 

I was a little nervous walking into the test center, not because of the test, but because I really didn't need to go.  Fortunately they had a water cooler there so while I waited my turn I got to work on that problem by downing a couple glasses of cold water.  Then I had another problem - I really REALLY needed to go.  Please call me next.  Please call me next. 

So while I'm thumbing through about 15 Time magazines that I couldn't care less about, I'm watching the people come out of their tests, and they're all happy, smiling and stuff.  And I'm thinking - what the hell is going on in those rooms? 

So finally get my call to go up there and my eyes are at "tilt" because I have to go so bad.  Guess what?  First, we have to do some PAPERWORK!  And the lady who was administering the test was neither fast nor cheery, so I bit down and held it in.  Then we head into the test room and she instructs me to put all my personal belongings into a lockbox.  Oooook. 

I had to rinse my hands and then dry them.  Oook.  She hands me the cup and draws a line about half an inch above the bottom and says fill it at least to here.  And I'm thinking, "Lady, I can fill up 3 or 4 of these if ya need me to..."  She didn't look like the type who would appreciate the joke, so I skipped it.

And then it hits me - there's no way for her to tell if I cheat on this test unless she actually WATCHES me go pee.  And suddenly I don't have to go anymore, I don't WANT to go anymore.  The thought of this woman watching me trying to squeeze a couple drops into this cup and not get it all over myself is TERRIFYING.  I can't pee around other people.  If you see me at a urinal?  Do me a favor and step into a stall - don't stand next to me.  :)  I'm a private pisser, plain and simple.

Her final instructions were to NOT flush the toilet when I was done.  She hands me the cup and then MUCH to my relief she says "Open the door when you're done."  (Sigh)  She walks out and I'm left alone to manage the cup and the pee.  Now I have another dilemma.  I'm a two-handed pisser (for safety reasons).  So trying to manage the cup and my "equipment" all at the same time was a little bit hairy.  Thankfully, I got it done without even getting a single drop on me. 

I open the door and she yells from down the hall in an earnest tone - "I'll be RIGHT THERE!"  Sure enough, she came back in one minute.  She pours the "specimen" into a little vial, labels it and instructs me to put my initials on it.  Wash the hands and walk out the door!

Now here's the funny part - despite the fact I had no desire to go on the way there, I had to pee like THE DICKENS (pun somewhat intended) on the way back to my office.

Good Times and I'm sure that was WAY too much info for some of you, so... sorry :)