Daily Roundup

Report: Adult illiteracy rate high in nation's capital
Much lower if don’t include lobbyists and politicians.

McCain won't back down on Iraq war
Then by all means, get him an M4 and send him over! I’m through with the lippy bitch after he licked Falwell’s puckered poop-chute and gave the commencement speech at Liberty University last year.

American crocodile back from the brink
What’s the difference between a gator and a croc again? And why do we need both?

Cheney taken to hospital after discomfort in his leg
Says in retrospect, “I really need to start wearing shin guards when kicking homeless people in the teeth.”

Rare split-liver transplant aids baby, student
I’m guessing the college student is going to give hers more of a workout.

Computing pioneer John Backus dies
*Insert mandatory abacus joke here*

'Cool Hand Luke' director dead
“What we have here is a failure to resuscitate.”

Death risk higher for weekend heart attacks
So try and schedule your coronary Monday thru Friday, between 9 AM and 4 PM.

High court hears 'Bong hits 4 Jesus' case
I’m sorry…I can’t do any better than “High” court. Someone at CNN.com is about to get fired, and I love it J

Grand Canyon glass walk opening
See the splendor of one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World...without all that pesky hiking and stuff.

White House threatens to veto Iraq pullout bill
The rhythm method is the only form of Iraqi birth control endorsed by the White House, though they prefer abstinence.

Bush checks out latest hybrid cars
Asks why they don’t go “Vroom, vroom!”

Former VP hanged
Last guy they hung in Iraq had his head ripped off. For this guy, they weighed him and measured the rope properly. I guess you could say he was well-hung.