Houston, we have a problem!

Great jumping Jehosaphat on a jetski! These news stories keep getting better and better.

Have you yet heard the one about the Astronaut love triangle? This is absolutely precious. First off, let’s introduce the cast:

Navy Captain Lisa Marie Nowak – Astronaut, Shuttle Mission Specialist
Navy Commander Bill Oefelein – Astronaut, Shuttle Pilot
Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman – Engineer, 45th Launch Support Squadron

It seems that Commander Bill is quite the cocksman! He’s been operating his shuttle arm in at least two different cargo holds; one each belonging to the Captains Shipman and Nowak. This didn’t sit very well with Nowak (a married mother of three, by the way) in particular. Upon finding out, she did what any person who’d been huffing too much model airplane cement might do: she drove from Houston, Texas to Orlando, Florida to confront her romantic rival. So intent was she on this mission that, get this, she wore diapers the entire trip so as to eliminate the need for potty breaks.

Captain Shipman was traveling to Orlando herself but by plane rather than urine-scented automobile. Upon landing in “The Shit-hole the Mouse Built,” She boarded the shuttle bus, disembarked, and made her way towards her car. When she was almost to her vehicle, she noticed that a woman wearing a trench coat was following her. She jumped into the car, slammed the door shut and locked it at the last minute. Somehow, Nowak convinces Shipman to crack open the door so they could talk over their situation. Bad idea! Shipman promptly gets a pusser full of pepper spray for her compassion. She slams the door and through teary eyes goes to find authorities. A patrolman arrives at the parking area and finds Nowak, now wearing a different coat. As he was approaching, he saw her try and dump some items into a trash can. He promptly apprehends her. A subsequent search of the trashcan and her car, presumably getting very rank by now, turned up the following items:

-one wig
-one CO2 powered BB pistol
-a tan trench coat
-new steel mallet
-a folding knife with a 4” blade
-3’-4’ of rubber tubing (hmmmmm, maybe she should have fashioned a catheter)
-directions to Shipman’s private residence
-half a dozen latex surgical gloves
-$600 in cash

Nowak insists that all she wanted to do was talk to Shipman, you know...express her feelings. Um, yeah.

Needless to say, the officer thought it maybe a good idea if he arrested her. She was booked on charges of battery, burglary, and attempted kidnapping resulting in bodily harm.

Now comes the good part. The judge, despite rampant objections from the prosecutor and law enforcement GRANTS BAIL...and for only $15,500 at that! So pissed was the prosecutor that he filed an additional charge of attempted murder. Ha! No problem for Judge Doofus, we’ll just tack on another $10,000. For those of you who have never been incarcerated, a bondsman will post your bail for the fee of 10%. If you show up at your court dates, the bondsman will get the whole shebang back from the court. If you don’t show up, then you end up on a really crappy reality TV show being chased by a bunch of hillbillies with very large guns and even larger mullets. At any rate, that means good old Captain Nowak was freed for...do the math...$2,550. I’m pretty sure I’ve had bar tabs bigger than that!

Captain Pepperface...er, I mean Shipman elected to have a restraining order instated immediately. Guess her momma didn’t raise any stupid children!

So, so, so many things could be said about all this. I’ll try and keep it to just a few observations and questions:

-This Novak chick is nuttier than a pile of squirrel shit. She’s so fucking crazy, I’m surprised I haven’t dated her.

-If two astronauts are humping, climax, and go again without proper lubrication, would they “burn up on reentry?”

-Commander Bill, like any cool astronaut, really likes his Tang. He is also very partial, it would appear, to poon-tang.

-Did any of these people get to make it into the 100 mile high club?

and finally

-don’t let that crazy bitch near Uranus!