Membership had its privileges

I was partaking in one of most my cherished activities last night, paying bills, when I came across something on my credit card bill that made me laugh. On the top of the bill was a perforated panel (the one sometimes used for courtesy checks) with the following message:

We appreciate your business. If we can make your card membership more rewarding, do not hesitate to contact us.

Now, I for one don't normally think of the feelings spawned by my "card membership" as being capable of measurement using units of rewardedness, but it looks like I'm wrong. So I started to make a list...you know, ways I could "help them help me." Here's what I've got so far:

#1 Instead of sending monthly bill, send Angelina Jolie to my house sans all clothing save a thick layer of pink Saran Wrap to serve as a protective coating. You might need to also provide a snorkel to ensure safe transit.

#2 If it is absolutely imperative that your mouth-breathing, sinecuristic, parasitical minions call my house during dinner time, can we change the message? Instead of the trying to sell me some special "credit protector" package for the low fee of only 3% per month, just have them tell me how cool I am. Have them merely ask to be my friend...offer to help me move heavy furniture...drive me to the airport. That way at least one of us might feel better about ourselves. Oh yeah, and here's a hint: if I ever lose my job, my absolute last concern will be paying you suckers. I'll get to that right after I order my Family Matters box set. Love that Urckle!

#3 Once every six weeks, come over to my house and vacuum out the inside of my car. Make sure you get all the rogue french fries from between the seat and the center console. Feel free to keep any change you find. Better yet, use it to sign me up for the credit protector thingy.

#4 I want cooler credit cards. Make that little hologram thing cover the entire card...and instead of a bird, make it something cooler...like an MC Escher drawing! And how about offering a card with razor-sharp edges I can throw like a ninja star? That would certainly thin out the lines at the holiday check-out registers.

#5 Shit-can your really lame "up to 1% cash back program" and replace it with "guaranteed 150% cash back."

#6 Eliminate the ability to use credit cards for fast food purchases that fail to exceed $10. I'm sorry life isn't going your way and you have to finance that Happy Meal...but could you please hurry the hell up?

That should be good for now.  When you get that stuff done drop me a note, and we'll work on some more.