The Roundup (no longer daily)

Nepal's Maoists join government
Unhappy with present establishment. Guess you could call them Maocontents.

McCain lauds security in Baghdad
I did some research on this. There is actually a Bagdad, Arizona (look it up). Maybe he is referring to that Bagdad. Or maybe he’s finally lost his fucking mind.

Pelosi to take Israeli concerns to Syria
Great idea! Nothing Syrians love more than Israel and women in positions of power.

Say 'ah' to acupuncture
Ah…no.

Google gag: Free Internet through your toilet
Were this true, it would have lent credibility to Sen. Ted Stevens’ (Rep-Alaska) assertation that the internet is a “series of tubes.” At the time of this utterance, he was serving as the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation. The speech was on network neutrality. Did I mention he is also completely bat-shit insane?

Why CEOs love Rwanda
Must be the smell of burning flesh in the morning. Does it for me!

Court rules against Bush on greenhouse gases
Stupid science!

Bald eagle returns to Philadelphia
I love bald eagles. They are so much more majestic than comb-over eagles.

China-Russia mission to explore Mars
Next step: form consortium to sell Martian ray-gun technology to Iran.

Train sets speed record
France, Germany, and Japan have 300+ mph bullet trains. We have…um, a horribly congested and antiquated interstate highway system? Take that, evil doers!

Chavez voices concern
“Does this Che Guevara tshirt make me look fat?”

Eat a lot of beef? It may affect your son's sperm
I’m not even going to talk about what eating asparagus does to your daughter’s urine!

MG sports car returns, made in China
They’re going to call it the MSG to make it more palatable. And you’ll feel like driving it again an hour after you park it.

Bangkok's new mini hotels
“Me love you short time.”

Man's best friend does downward facing dog
Not what you might think. It’s dog yoga. Hey Baby Boomers! Just think, these are the people you think are going keep social security going for you! Suckers.