The Rundown

At least 2 winning Mega Millions tickets sold
Meaning at least two people took massive craps on their bosses’ desks this morning.

Beheading threat made doctor flee
Guess that proves he's not retarded.

U.S. women feared poisoned in Moscow
Is it me or does it seem like poisoning is the new national passtime of Russia?  Kind of their version of Texas Holdem? 

Shocking event for Captain America
Tells C.O. he’s gay in an attempt to avoid deployment in Tikrit, thus violating Justice League “Don’t ask, don’t tell”  policy.  Immediately busted down to Private America and issued dishonorable discharge. 

China bans opening new Internet cafes
Not as disturbing when you consider Chinese citizens only allowed to view twenty-seven websites anyways.  BarelyLegalBustyBeauties.com not one of them. 

Ditch the smelly sleeping bag and go 'glamping'
Can we still pitch “trouser tents?”

'Idol,' '5th Grader' carry Fox to victory
This is exactly the way the Roman Empire began it’s decline

Mom pleads guilty to using baby as a weapon
I thought the Darwin Awards were supposed to weed these people out BEFORE they reproduced?

Robot to study hole in Earth's crust
Robot pulls on latex glove.  Earth told to breath deeply and try to relax.

College application policies easing for homeschoolers
Progressive schools offer introductory classes in overcoming social retardation.  Introduce PSY 157:  The Earth Doesn’t Revolve Around My Mother’s Self-righteous Bunghole.

Naomi Campbell's punishment: Mopping floors
Brain…hurts…too…many jokes…all screaming to get out at once!!!! 
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Geico cavemen could star in TV series
Somewhere, right this second, a TV Producer needs to be punched in the face.

Google founders stick with salary
Um, that sticky stuff isn’t salary.  Try and think of another s-word.

Survey: Wireless surfing on the rise
In other news, the sun is hot, water is wet, and Eskimo pootang is mighty cold.

Queen Latifah's challenges go beyond acting

Yes...acting and all-you-can-eat buffets.  But mainly acting.

Suspected meteorite crashes into bedroom
See!  Somebody at NASA better get on top of that killer asteroid story I mentioned yesterday!