Running away from Sprint

I have now been on the phone with Sprint for 37 minutes. I detest these people so much that I’m scared I might sprain a hate-muscle. Normally I try and stretch before hating anyone this much...you know, start out with elderly drivers, move up to religious fundamentalists before doing the heavy lifting. Not today. Got the mail, poured a tall scotch, and here I find myself.

This all started in September of 2005, shortly after the Sprint-Nextel merger (merging with a company which sponsors the dumbest form of motorsport in the history of the internal combustion engine should have been a clue). Some guy calls me up and offers a second mobile line on my account. I tell him I neither want nor need another line. He tells me it’s free. I tell him I don’t care. He tells me it’s completely free and asks why I don’t want it. I tell him I don’t need it, and I don’t want my contract extended. He says not to worry, it won’t be. I acquiesce, and he sends me the phone. A few weeks later, I get a bill for a $20 activation fee and a new $10 per month charge. This is 10/10/07. I call up Sprint and go ape-shit on some guy named Jeremiah. He assures me that it shouldn’t have happened that way, refunds the activation fee, and starts a monthly credit on my account so my payment is now LOWER than it was before the new line.

Sprint continues to piss me off over the next year and a half. I’ll be going to visit the Motherland in Italy this October, so I thought it may be a good time to switch to a GSM network carrier as I’m no longer under contract with Sprint (or so I think). I settle on T-Mobile, get a phone I like, and am happy as a clam. But the bills keep coming from Sprint, now for only $10 a month plus tax.

***Update, call just finished, narrative continues***

I call up Sprint and cut my way through the first wave of interference only to find out that no one ever waived the contract from the “free” phone, and I was stuck with it until September of this year at $10 a month. I don’t quite recall all the events after this as a red tinge slowly ascended my field of vision. Things I’m positive of though include: threatening to kill someone’s children, asking some douche-bag named Ben if he had the power to fix the problem, and got a verbal agreement from said Ben-named douche-bag to terminate the line and wipe the account. I thanked him, apologized to him and his children, and hung up.

Today I got another bill...for a total of $175.54...one month at $10, a $150 early termination fee, and assorted taxes. After pouring the above-mentioned scotch, I make a promise not to lose my cool unless really provoked. I call up and get a rep named Jason. I logically outline my entire experience point by point, date by date, lie by lie. I explain that it would indeed have been really stupid of me to cancel an account for $150 when I only had 9 months times $10 equals $90 left on term. To my absolute amazement, he agrees. Voila! I win! This frontline cat named Jason has done what many levels of evil bastards couldn’t or refused to do! I’ve even got a $17.18 credit on my now defunct account. I told him he could have the credit if he promised to punch this Ben guy in the fucking mouth if he ever saw him in the cafeteria. The guy’s exact response:

**Chuckles**...I’ll do that. Have a nice day, sir...and thank you for choosing Sprint.