Wherefore art thou brain?

This Sunday will mark two months since we first brought home our new dog, Romeo. It has been about 13 months since he was manufactured by ACME, and there are many things I've learned since then. Among these are:

Chesapeake Bay Retriever mixes run primarily on a nuclear reactor housed somewhere in their lower abdomens. I can't seem to locate an access hatch, but the dog exudes approximately 13 times more energy than is contained in what we feed him (which is up to five cups of Science Diet a day). The reactor is the only possible explanation that doesn't involve a violation of the First Law of Thermodynamics. I don't know about what goes on in your house, but in mine we obey the laws of physics.

There is a concrete and established formula for computing the number of brain cells possessed by your Chessie. Start with 476. Subtract 7 cells for every pound of body weight over fifty. If it is a female, this is her number of brain cells. If it is a male, divide this number in half. Romeo is up to 61 pounds, therefore he has exactly 199.5 brain cells. At any given moment he is using an average of 13 of them.

There is a disconnect somewhere in the synaptic chain between these dogs' eyes and the part of their brains responsible for processing the presence of screen doors. I'm assuming this is some sort of genetic evolution to prevent entrapment.

The coefficient of kinetic friction between the bottom of a Chessie's feet and Armstrong-type laminate flooring is approximately .01. An excited version such as ours with the reactor operating in "high" mode (there isn't a "low" setting, by the way) can run at a full gallop on such a floor without achieving any perceivable forward progress whatsoever.

The below table illustrates the ETD / ETC of some common auxiliary energy sources (Estimated Time of Destruction / Estimated Time of Consumption

                                                                        ETD                 ETC
Science Diet Adult Dog Food                     NA             45 seconds per cup
Greenie Brand Dog Treat, Large             NA                 2 minutes
Dog Toy, Normal                                    3 minutes         10 minutes
Dog Toy, "Heavy Chewer"                     4 minutes         11 minutes
Dog Toy, Squeaky                                 1 minutes         10 minutes
Hardwood Mulch Chip, Medium                 NA              30 seconds
Cat Turd, Medium                                         NA               3 seconds
Dog Bed, Large                                        10 minutes         ***
Marble Door Stop, Small                     2 hours ^^^           2 hours ^^^


*** A sincere attempt to eat the bed was pursued, but the synthetic batting eventually filled the dog’s entire digestive tract. He was pooping sheep-like objects for three days

^^^ The 2 hour figure is extrapolated based upon the fact that we woke up and found he’d ground off and eaten a good 15% of said baseball sized doorstop in what is estimated to be a half hour. Total destruction / consumption time determined based on the assumption he wouldn’t break too many teeth prior to completion. Yes, he was shitting gravel for three days.