My First Break Up Letter...Thoughts?

Dear TV,

We've been together...well since I was old enough to walk across the room and change the channels for my family (before we got the remote). Mom always allowed us to hang for scheduled shows when I was younger like The Electric Company, The Muppet Show or The Carol Burnett Show. But never too much, "TV will rot your brain," she warned. Except on Saturday mornings where she and dad slept in and I, armed with a bowl of Fruit Loops and my favorite stuffed animal had at least 4 - 5 hours free to watch such gems as The Land of the Lost (sssslllleeeestacks!), Fat Albert, Looney Tunes (unedited), Timer PSAs, Robotech, American Bandstand, Soooooooouuuul Train and much more. Saturday mornings were a bliss. We had such great laughs then.

We had some adventures too. Whether watching Mutual Omaha's Wild Kingdom ("Jim, why don't you jump out of that copter onto that Elk!?") or exploring the oceanic splendor of the sea with Jacques Cousteau, I learned about the world larger than my humble hometown or the city next door. You would even scare me and teach me to appreciate the bizarre and macabre by watching B movies on Creature Feature late at night. Godzilla, love at first sight. We had other types of adventures, like when I would wake up really late at night when everyone was suppose to be asleep and happen upon my brothers intently watching you with a scrambled screen. I thought you might have had people dancing but the muted sounds of a guy or girl or both or more lifting something really heavy, faster and faster and crying for God, made it hard for my kid brain to figure out. "You can't watch this!" My brothers would be panicked (for my welfare, right?) when they found me peeping around the sofa, transfixed. They would shove me out of the room fast and switch the channel to something else as they whispered in harsh tones, "Mom would KILL us cause...it's uh, it's bad for your eyes! Go play something in your room! Wait, why aren't you sleeping?"

And sports! My dad and I would watch the latest football or basketball games with you. We'd eat KFC's latest special and drink though a cooler filled with ice cold beers. His were Heinekens and mine were always A&Ws. We bonded and argued every play, every call while you shined and only occasionally fizzed the screen on a crucial play. Videogames! I can't even count since Atari how many systems and hours we've shared playing through countless games. Not to mention how you took me through Betamax to DVDs. Such good times. You've been part of so much good in my life. You've shown me places I haven't been able to travel, introduced me to new ideas and helped me to explore concepts I'd never considered. You expanded my mind. Through commercials you taught me about sex appeal, hygiene and the importance of dressing well. And whenever I was bored or didn't know what to do with myself, you were always there to offer some sort of amusement.

That's why writing this is so difficult and so long. We've been there for each other and over time we both have remained the same...and we've changed. You see I love you, but I'm not in love. I can't be with you anymore, not hot and heavy like we were. You really are sorta...rotting my brain and stifling me. I know you don't mean to but..you have grown with your added sex content, late night paid programming and satellite channels instead of just flying the American flag with the anthem playing, showing test patterns and then calling it a night. You entice at all hours now. And of course, those countless reality TV shows that repeat ad nauseam. I just need...I want to start reading and hanging out with more Books, more often. I want to play more games of cards and Monopoly, go for more walks that sort of thing. And...yeah Books and I we do have a thing, I won't hide it. There's a feeling I get reading books when my imagination is running wild and the weight of the books are in my hand. I feel more alive, more engaged in my life. So it's not you, you are great. And yes, I meant it when I said I understood about the whole needing to be polygamous thing for you with the rest of the world, this isn't about that. It's just me. I feel like I'm spending SO much time when I'm at ends letting you entertain me, I'm just not growing in other areas. I think with Books I can grow more meaningfully.

I know it's probably shitty of me to ask, but I want to know if we can still be friends? I want to still hang out together but kind of like mom taught me at scheduled specific times. You know I can't miss The Riches, Battlestar Galactica, Futurama, Robot Chicken, The Boondocks, Survivor, or any Discovery channel programs about Egypt. I need to see the news, sometimes. And really excellent videogames will always bring us together. I don't want to quit you exactly, I just want the way we relate to change. I don't want to be your lover, I want to be a dear friend who spends quality time with you. I tend to think given how many people you share yourself with in the long run, this will be good for both of us. You'll be okay.

Take a few days to consider and adjust. Please ask me any questions. I can use TIVO in the interim. And then...I'd like to set up a schedule so that when I turn you on and you give me what you offer, we both know we are going to enjoy our time.

Fondly and forever your friend,

Me