Christmas time

This morning on my way to work I wondered how much brain memory is being used up just remembering the words to Christmas songs. I swear I know 90% of the words to every song they play on the Sirius christmas station. Even the shitty ones. I can sing 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer' from start to finish without any hints. That portion of my brain could have been used for memorizing the Magna Carta, or learning a new language, but no. 'Cousin Mel' lives there instead.

Another Christmas point--I watched that old-school 'Rudolph' show on TV the other night for the first time in years and I am wondering how I never realized what a monumental dick Santa is in that show. I am serious. Let's start with his unfounded hatred of Rudolph from the beginning. When he visits Rudolph in the cave shortly after birth, and Rudolph's dad had put the mud over his nose, when the mud fell off Santa exclaims, 'Dasher! You should be ashamed of yourself!' Now is Santa saying Dasher should be ashamed of teaching his kid to lie and be deceptive, or ashamed of himself for having the audacity to have a baby with a glowing red nose? Based on Santa's shitty attitude in the rest of the show, I'm guessing the latter. And it's no wonder Dasher went to the trouble to hide it, based on Santa's wonderful reaction to the news.

The reindeer have apparently all inherited this crappy elitism from Fat Red Asshole, as evidenced in the Reindeer games. Does having a red nose really give you a competetive advantage when playing tug-of-war and flying around in the air? Is that any reason to be banned-for-life? This damn story gets more ridiculous as it goes.

Santa takes all the 'misfit' toys, who can obviously talk and communicate their feelings, and callously dumps them on some frozen fucking island in the middle of nowhere to live out their lives in boredom and discomfort. Jolly old elf, my ass. And speaking of that, the dipshit can't even eat his food to fatten up for Christmas because the happy christmas song that the elves sing, while they work around the fucking clock as Santa sits at the dining room table and bitches, Santa can't stand that happy christmas song. Why don't you just go beat the elves until they shut up, you asshole.

Then after Rudolph and in-the-closet Hermie or Herbie, whatever the hell his name is, bring back the Yeti who can put the star on top of the tree, after those guys return and prove their usefulness by recruiting new talent for the commune, including my favorite character in the show, a guy who can tell if there's gold in the ground UNDER the snow by sticking a pickaxe in the snow and licking it, only THEN do they get accepted by the rest of these dipshits as decent members of the community. And of course we all know it ends with Santa suddenly realizing Rudolph can be of some use to him, so suddenly he changes his tune. What an asshole. I wonder how many other elves and animals got cast out of this elite fucking sweatshop, only to perish on an iceberg in the sea or die of exposure hiking south.

My favorite part is at the very end. The elf in the sleigh is putting parachutes on all of the misfit toys and dropping them off the sleigh. Great idea, I mean besides the fact they'll all end up in fields and smokestacks and shit. He does not put a parachute on the bird. The bird, who has previously in the movie demonstrated that he CAN NOT FLY! He can only SWIM! Here's hoping the elf dropped him into the ocean.