Random jokes for the day...

Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a penis."

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that a repair man is coming to fix the dishwasher around noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home."Hello?" says a little girl's voice."Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?""No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!""Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!""Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.""Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy.""And what happened?""Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.""Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?""He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."There is a long pause. Finally Bob says, ''Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?''

An Irishman walks into a pub, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a parrot. She sees one in a cage marked $10.00 and gets all excited. "What a deal!" she thinks to herself. She goes to the cashier and says she wants the parrot, but the cashier says "I don't think you really want that parrot." "Why?" asks the woman. "Because it was living in a whorehouse." Replies the man. "I don't care." says the woman as she proceeds to buy the parrot. When the woman gets the parrot home, the bird squaks "AWWWK! New house, new madam!". When the womans' daughter gets home, the bird says "AWWWK! New house. New madam. New whore.". Suddenly, the womans' husband comes home. "AWWWK!" New house. New madam. New whore... Hi Billy! "