What Were They Smoking?

 

A long time ago in a demented writing brain far away I started adding a little award to my weekly releases that will remain in infamy. That award was the “What Were They Smoking?!” award. This award took the world by storm and it was everywhere: gaming sites everywhere, evening local news, movie sneak previews, and even autotuned on YouTube. After a terrible nightmare, I woke up with a purpose: to compile a month’s long look at games with ridiculous storylines, terrible ideas, and games that could only have been conceived with a concoction of “herbs and spices”.

 

Finger Flashing (PS3) This award winner comes all the way from the original Playstation and was brought back to the PS3. This action based puzzle game from Japan follows the wizard Poi, or choose her bazooka wielding friend Cikke as she heads to a wizarding exam. On her way to school, her route is infested with monsters. To rid the way of monsters, she uses her wizarding powers of rock-paper-scissors! Yes, that just happened.

 

Cake Ninja: XMAS (DS)- It wouldn’t be Christmas without a terrible Christmas themed video game, and this is the “best” of those I found. This one starts with a common premise.. Santa Claus has been kidnapped and Christmas could be cancelled. A choir of “Oh noes” come from a few kids stuck having to play bad games for the Nintendo DS. But fear not, for there is a hero to save the day! The hero to save the day is none other than.... Cake Ninja? Was the Pie Pirate too busy?  Well one would think saving Santa would require some severe cake slicing, right? Well think again! The Cake Ninja slices snowballs thrown from gingerbread men. 

 

Chuck E Cheese’s Alien Defense Force (DSiWare)- This game brings up the question “Did Chuck E Cheese’s sell its soul to the devil of terrible mini-games?” I think this game for Nintendo DS answers that question with a resounding “YES”! Here’s the plot: Aliens have invaded Earth. Well these aliens aren’t here to eradicate the species or steal our fossil fuels. These aliens are here to steal all of our pizza. Apparently we won’t be able to make any more pizza and someone must save us from our pizza being stolen. What better way to defeat these aliens than playing a carnival style shooting game!! Good luck convincing the aliens you won, because we all lose.

 

Zombie Skape (DSiWare) No list from 2012 would be complete without a zombie game. This survival horror game follows Ethan as he aspires to be the greatest skateboarder of all time. One evening while Ethan was practicing, zombies appeared out of nowhere! Ethan now has to use his skateboarding skills to “skape” from the zombies (Escape... skate... get it?? Yeah, pretty lame). The gameplay is where this game is award worthy. Zombie hands appear at the bottom of the screen as the skater tries to avoid obstacles so he will not be eaten. Obstacles include zombie hands, manhole covers, spinning coffins and giant mutant pumpkins. Yeah it doesn’t make any sense, but when should logic play a factor in this game? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqpL71sKIZ0

 

Murder on the Titanic (3DS eShop) This Nintendo DS eShop gem could be James Cameron’s dream game. It starts of with the legendary cruiseliner known as the Titanic. The trailer claims that “It should have been a relaxing vacation...” but unfortunately something terrible happens. We all have heard the terrible tale where the ship hits an iceberg that kills practically everyone on board. This game instead would like to focus on one single death... a murder!! *gasp* Who could it be? Is it one of the crew? An uppity first class passenger or a waiter perhaps? Well be prepared to find the killer via the most foolproof way to find a murderer. Of course that method is a plethora of mini games!!! Games such as finding socks, snails or peas in a still photo to moving around boxes. If only we used these foolproof methods today we could catch a killer so much easier! 

 

Dream Divers 2 (XBOX 360 Indie) Here is the perfect example of how to take a good idea and make it terrible. First good idea was to make the characters pretty women that would make the creators of Dead or Alive proud (they have huge....tracks of land). Then put those pretty ladies in bikinis so they can swim around in the water. If that was not enough, add an “air meter” that is nothing but a pair of cleavage with “AIR”. Game of the year material so far? Well this is where the beer goggles wear off. The object is to travel to reefs and collect various stars throughout the reef. Boring, but still not terrible game material. While the pictures of the ladies are quite enticing, their movement in the water is quite terrible. Does anyone remember those plastic scuba divers that would float around in the bathtub with some baking soda? Well the dream divers move around in the water like that plastic diver. If that’s not enough, theres a monster fish that chases the ladies around in the water that looks like a teenager boy with raging hormones. The music is pretty bad too. 

 

Zombie Strippers Stole My Heart Then Ate My Brains (360 Indie) It is now time for the highbrow section of this month’s awards. This game comes from the Indie world of XBOX. Does anything else need to be said other than “Zombie Strippers” ??? Well for those of you that need a story(shame on you!), the main character is asked to be part of security for a stripper convention. Apparently all of the strippers are zombies and no champagne room for for anyone. Not a terrible idea, but the result is more than terrible. The graphics make games from the 90’s look like high definition. One would expect to see some skin from zombie strippers, right? Well, think again pervs! These strippers are clothed and have no desire to give your character a lap dance. Lastly, these zombies are the oddest sounding zombies I have ever heard. The sounds remind me of those little round boxes that would make a terrible kitten sound. Now imagine this sound over and over and over again. May want to keep your long lost dream of shooting zombie strippers in your sleep where it belongs.