The Ever Elusive Black Belt.

So it's May 8th today, and in 23 days is the Black Belt promotion test at my school for Taekwondo on May 31st.. Let me give you just a little background to my situation first. Twenty one years ago, I started at the age of 9 with Sung Lee Taekwondo academy. I instantly fell in love with it and excelled at it. I had a real knack for it, and my Master saw this. Even at my first tournament as a lower belt, Sung Lee put a black belt on me and I was matched up against other black belts, even though I wasn't really one. That day I took home a gold medal. He took me under his wing throughout my 4 years there and I achieved the belt of black stripe, which is right before black belt. He was like a second father to me. He taught me what kind of person I should be in life. How to treat and respect others. He taught me about the servant heart and where your spirit comes from. I really did love him.

So why after 17 years am I still a black stripe? Fear of failure. At the tender age 13, I quit Taekwondo. The black belt promotion test scared me to death. Both my parents tried to encourage me to continue and fulfill my dream, and even took me to another black belt promotion test to see what was involved. That didn't even alleviate my fears. The test is so rigorous and demanding that anyone who earns their black belt can be very proud to wear it. Sung Lee doesn't just hand out black belts to just anyone like some teachers do...he makes you earn it, hard. Even with all my training, and the fact that I was very good at it, still didn't convince me to go through with it. I can honestly say that was thee most regretful and stupid decision I've made in my entire life. For 17 years, I've regretted that decision every single day.

Fast forward seventeen years, and here I am back in Taekwondo with Sung Lee for the past month. When I first went back to the dojang and spoke with Master Lee after so long, I started getting choked up. I held it in while we got re-acquainted, but started crying later when I got back in my car. There was happy and sad emotions running through me all at once. I was happy to have saw him again and be back in the dojang, but I was also very sad because I still couldn't justify why I quit. I felt like I let my Master down so much that it just tore me up inside, even 17 years later. I then decided to rejoin and hopefully achieve my dream of getting my black belt. The next time I went to the dojang, Sung Lee was waiting for me with a black stripe belt. I assumed that since I've been out of Taekwondo for so long that I would have to start at the beginning as a white belt. He told me that I was a once black stripe in heart and body, and nothing could ever take that away. I was still a black stripe in heart and body.

For the past month, I've been having to re-learn almost everything. In my mind I know a lot, but my body isn't the same as it used to be. Getting in shape again is the easy part, but preparing myself for this test is taking a lot out of me, but in a good way. There's even a chance I might not be ready at the end of the month, but I'm trying my hardest to not let that happen. Even at home every day I'm preparing by practicing my patterns, sparring techniques, and breaking techniques, and anything I can. My instructor Ramel, who is a 3rd Dan Black Belt, is even taking time with me after classes to help me.

So is the fear still there within me? You bet it is, but now that I'm 30 and realized the time I've lost, there's no way I'm going to stop going after my dream. No one will ever be able to tell me I can't do it. Even if I'm not ready for this black belt test, I will keep training hard for the next one. I need to overcome my fear, and do what Sung Lee wanted me to do 17 years ago. I need to honor him, but most of all I need to honor myself within by achieving that ever-elusive black belt.