The Shit List

1. GHOST SHIT.          You know you've shitted.
                        There's shit on the toilet paper, but none
                        in the toilet.

2. TEFLON-COATED SHIT.  Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you
                        don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the
                        paper. You have to look in the toilet to make
                        sure you did something.

3. GOOEY-SHIT.          This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe
                        your arse 12 times and it's still not clean.
                        You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks
                        so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit
                        leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

4. SECOND THOUGHT SHIT. You're all done wiping, and you're about to
                        stand up when you realise....you've got more.

5. POP A VEIN IN YOUR   The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't
   FOREHEAD SHIT.       come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and
                        purple from straining so hard.

6. WEIGHT WATCHERS      You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
   SHIT.

7. RIGHT NOW SHIT.      You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet.
                        You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually
                        it has its head out before you can get your
                        pants down.

8. KING KONG or         This one is so big that you know it won't go
   CHOKER SHIT.         down the toilet unless you break it into smaller
                        chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind
                        of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.

9. CORK SHIT            Even after the third flush it's still floating in
   (also Floater)       the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.

10. WET CHEEKS SHIT.    This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big
                        splash that gets you all wet.

11. WISH SHIT.          You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position
                        and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.

12. CEMENT BLOCK SHIT.  You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you
                        attempted this one.

13. SNAKE SHIT.         This shit is fairly soft and about as thick as your
                        thumb, and at least a metre long.

14. BEER AND PIZZA      This happens the day after the night before. Most
    SHIT.               of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this
                        one is BAD....usually this one happens at someone
                        else's house, and someone is always waiting outside
                        the toilet door.

15. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT.  You know will know it's safe to eat again when your
    (or Screamer)       arse stops burning.