revslow
Shared on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 00:50 20 Ways to Drive Telemarketers Insane
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . " 
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
where all the jokes are safe for work
Start asking her questions (don’t mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, “I think it’s time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.”
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it’s real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she’s in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, “Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she’s overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, “Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?”
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, “Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don’t be so selfish.”
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it’s as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she’s finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, “Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn’t going to hurt you.” Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, “Hey, you’ve been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?”
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she’s making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn’t know about it. Pout and exclaim, “And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU.”
When you know she’s grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, “I’ll get the rest of it for you dear.” Feign suprise when she says that’s it. End with, “This is all you got for how much?”
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.
Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, “Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones.”
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that’s not what..
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, “What the hell did you do. I never had a problem with it.”
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they’re yours. When they need something, they’re hers.
How To Drive You Husband Crazy
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1
Hide the remote for a week then have it magically appear somewhere like his sock drawer!
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Step 2
Accidentally wash your new red underwear with his white undershirts. He'll be in the pink for a week until he buys some new shirts (or you wash them with bleach). Nobody will know he's wearing pink under his shirts but the two of you.
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Step 3
Spike his food with a little hot pepper.
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Step 4
Shake all the beers in the refrigerator before he goes in to grab one.
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Step 5
Breathe on the inside window of his car and write silly I love yous in the mist. Every time the car fogs up, he's be reminded of how much you really love him...
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Step 6
Dress your bedroom in pink floral sheets, light scented candles and change your window treatments to something pink and girly.
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Step 7
Spill a little perfume in his t-shirt draw, he'll be smelling pretty for work every day.
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Step 8
Pretend to forget his name for the entire weekend. Refer to him as "What's his name", "That guy", "Hey you over there", "Big Guy" and "Little Guy".
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Step 9
Set the alarm clock to go off every day at a different time of the night.
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Step 10
Keep moving his keys and cell phone around the house, but always put them some place he'll find on his own so that he thinks he did it himself!
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Step 11
Replace all his soap with something floral like lavender or rose.
How to Drive Your Teenager Crazy
Take away the cellphone, yell "You just don't understand me and I wish I'd never been born!" Then go in YOUR bedroom and slam the door!
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Submitted by Fish66 on Sun, 12/20/2009 - 09:30