The Big Race

 I was excited about running my first sanctioned Big Race in Forza 4. In order to fully prepare,I made sure to visit the Big Race Rules Link so I could print them off. It ended up being quite a lengthy affair and I had to refill the printer with paper...twice. Instead of actually reading the rules, I ended up pretending to read them while I tuned my car for the Big Race. We all had to drive the same crappy car, but I knew that my superior tuning skills would give me the edge I needed. I inflated my tires to a safe and comfortable 400 psi, arbitrarily maxed out some values while reducing others to zero, and added my favorite Maxxon Velociraptor rims for my finishing touch.

 My tune, however, did not pan out well and I came in dead last. I did receive a phone call from one of the race officials saying that I had used an illegal tune. According to section 8, paragraph 4, sub-section (d) of the Official Big Big Book of Big Race Rules and Regulations, I was not allowed to alter the build or the tune in any way. Apparently the officials actually have nothing better to do than to watch car telemetry from the losing car. He stated that he had no recourse but to report me to the proper authority. I was not concerned.

 My clan leader showed about 4 am and cut off my left hand with a pair of rusty hedge trimmers. He was a huge, beast of a man with glowing red eyes, bulging arms, and an aura of such malevolent intent that I was paralyzed and unable to defend myself. He took the hand, warned me not to miss the next race, and advised me to read the Big Big Book of Big Race Rules and Regulations again.

 I spent the week trying to learn how to race with a hook for a left hand and bought all of necessaries: Gilby's Steering Wheel Grease, a flashing red siren to place on top of the television, and a pair of leather racing gloves (tan palms with a black or dark brown upper, leather thickness not to exceed 1/4".) After the 2nd Big Race, the official claimed that I had neglected to wear my gloves. I insisted that I was wearing the gloves but he could tell from the telemetry that I was wearing only one glove and was using a bare hook on the other, which violated section 241, paragraph 21, sub-section(k): any amputees must wear a properly gloved prosthetic; bare hooks are not allowed. With a dejected sigh, he informed me that he had no choice but to report me to my clan leader, who would likely not go easy on me like he did last time. Someone's at the door...gotta run.