101 rules of metal

101 rules of METAL

. Dont be that guy. (i.e. dont wear the t-shirt of the band youre going to see)
2. Dont whistle while you work. *
3. If its too loud, youre too old.
4. When in doubt, blame the record label.
5. It is NOT metal to sing a song about having your heart broken and cry about it.
6. It IS metal to sing a song about hacking up your ex and eating her.
7. Emo sucks.
8. Emo sucks. (No exceptions, stop looking for an asterisk).
9. Drawing Xs on your hands is stupid; tattooing Xs on yourself is really stupid; if you dont want to drink, then dont.
10. Blood is metal.
11. Metal must be played at 11 whenever possible.
12. You dont win friends with salad.
13. Youll worship Satan and like it, bitch!
14. There is no skipping in metal. v 15. Ritualistically sacrificing a goat in the name of metal does not guarantee you a record deal but, on the other hand, it doesnt hurt either.
16. Metal guys cannot be pimps, playaz or hustlaz.
17. Its never okay to have the words Winger and Cool next to each other. 18. Owning the Black Album by Metallica does not mean that youre metal or ever were.
19. Vikings = Metal; this has been proven true, so accept it.
20. Do not talk about romantic comedies unless someone dies in the movie.
21. If you are unsigned, blame American fans for being ignorant to true metal - or see Rule 4.
22. The heavy metal media is inherently clueless and worthless until they cover your favorite band.
23. Management is for amateurs; true metal bands know everything about everything.
24. Publishing rights exist so you can never sell the rights to use your music, no matter how broke you are.
25. A band can only be true metal if less than 50,000 people have heard of them. **
26. If your mom knows the band, theyre not true metal.
27. Devil horns should not be abused; do not use them unless you really need them. v 28. If someone asks why you like heavy metal, punch them in the face. When theyre on the ground, ask how they feel. When they say, Hurt or Angry tell them that thats how you feel all the time, and heavy metal is your release. Then hit them again, and tell them to stop asking dumb questions.
29. Covering a disco song in a metal way is definitely NOT metal.
30. There is absolutely nothing metal about disco.
31. Subgenres are necessary to describe your sound; make sure you create your own subgenre that sounds original, despite the fact that you sound like every other band. (Example: Nile is Ithyphallic Death Metal Ithyphallic refers to Egyptian statues with mythically proportioned erections).
32. Apologies are not metal.
33. Excuses are like assh*les.
34. Smiley faces on the internet are NOT metal. (Unless you can put a bloody bullet hole in them).
35. Do not bad mouth Ozzy no matter what trend youre following. 36. Do not follow trends.
37. Boots are meant for stomping.
38. All music videos must take place on stage, in the woods, in a graveyard, or in a warehouse with chains hanging.
39. Learn to play a 6 string guitar before picking up a 7 string guitar.
40. Unless youre solving complex mathematical equations with your music, dont call yourselves math-metal.
41. Wear shirts that offend people, especially Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Homosexuals (see Sebastian Bach).
42. Lemmy is God. Therefore God is great, but still worship Satan.
43. Pretend all of the contradictions in metal make sense, especially the contradictions in these rules.
44. Punk is your mortal enemy.
45. Listen to Manowar while driving your 88 Firebird T-top.
46. Scratch that, Manowar is only cool if you live in Germany and your name is Hans. 47. Album covers must be epic. Stick figures and a pentagram does not equal epic. 48. Ballads are only acceptable in memory of a fallen comrade or if you havent been laid in a while and youre desperate.
49. You cant cut up or burn an Iron Maiden flag.
50. Your 420 reference is not subtle, witty or clever, so shut up cause my mom knows about it.
51. Cows werent made for moshing. v 52. Berserkers eat warriors. ***
53. If its mainstream, then its not true metal.
54. Pretending to be a vampire does not make you metal.
55. In order to be truly metal, you must own a magical wolf. Preferably, your wolf will be white and look like the level 3 character in Altered Beast. If you do not own such a wolf, you must own a magical beast large enough to ride if you have to go somewhere. It must be able to turn into a white blaze, take you wherever you need to go, and shoot blue fireballs.
56. Making fun of people is metal.
57. Poseur is a word reserved for metalheads to call people who arent true.
58. Drinks should not have an umbrella or piece of fruit in them.
59. Wearing a vintage AC/DC t-shirt with gold rhinestones that you bought for $75 does not make you metal.
60. Holes in your jeans are only metal if theyre there by accident. 61. Metal Gods are not replaceable. v 62. If you dont know all the words to Panteras Walk, youre not metal.
63. Skulls have more uses than just holding your brain. v 64. Throwing Bibles into the audience isnt metal, unless by Bibles you mean Hustler magazine.
65. Everything is much cooler when its on fire. v 66. Logos must be indecipherable; if someone can read your logo, its not metal enough. A logo looks cool if you touch it, and it cuts your hand. Thats metal. ****
67. Use the words crush, destroy, slam, rip and rampaging when writing your bio. v 68. Adding the word core to your genre does not make you metal.
69. Metalheads dont wear pink THEY EAT IT!!!
70. Just because you like guys with long hair, does not mean youre metal. 71. Its okay to chant Slayer at ANY metal show. .. Note: You can even do it at a 7-11, if You'd like
72. There is no dancing in metal.
73. If you are male, being pretty is NOT metal. v 74. Burying your family in the basement does not make you metal.
75. If you should ever find yourself being interviewed for a documentary about metal, make sure you are drunk as hell, floating in the pool, and your mom is near by to say how proud of you she is.
76. Tipper Gore still sucks. v 77. Moshing should only be done at a metal show. If you think its appropriate to mosh to Simple Plan, youre wrong and youre not metal.
78. Always make sure you have your cake and eat it too, cause whats the point of having cake if you cant eat it?!?!
79. Jägermeister mixes well with everything - try it on your pancakes, too!
80. If you ever find yourself replacing the original lead singer of a band, try to incorporate a nickname for yourself, so the fans accept you quicker. (Examples: George Corpsegrinder Fisher - Cannibal Corpse and Tim Ripper Owens - Judas Priest).
81. Eating worms out of a chalice or goblet is metal (see Lord Worm - Cryptopsy).
82. It is not metal to wear a suit and tie, ever. This includes court appearances, unless you actually want to win your case.
83. Go against the norm even if you agree, disagree just for the sake of disagreeing.
84. Raising the horns doesnt make you metal, as proven by Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. However, raising the horns and gouging out Justins eyes with them NOW THATS METAL!!!
85. Getting banned from a venue cause of your name makes you metal; replacing that band on the bill and having more disturbing lyrics than the banned band is even more metal.
86. Just cause you can play air guitar or air drums does not mean you can play an instrument, nor does it mean you should start a metal band.
87. Metalheads are always serious and never have a sense of humor. A true metalhead should never listen to any other form of music and should denounce anything thats not metal as douchey music.
88. Having sex in a graveyard is only metal if youre listening to Cannibal Corpse Festering in the Crypt or King Diamond The Graveyard while doing it.
89. Facial hair should not be groomed, you may shape it, but it should be allowed to grow out to its full potential.
90. Your cell phone must have a metal ringtone. Having your phone ring to Right Said Fred cause you think its cute is not metal.
91. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wear a backwards red NY Yankees hat.
92. Metal music should never grow or evolve through time with the band. Some bands like to use that as a copout for why they write shitty pop music compared to their old stuff (coughcoughMETALLICAcoughcough). Did Motorhead grow? No, they did speed for 30 years and continuously kick ass!
93. Hell hath no fury like a metalhead told to turn it down!
94. If you start off wearing makeup or masks, dont stop just to prove that youve grown up and changed, only to don them again when you realize that no one cares about you without your makeup or masks (see KISS for reference).
95. Putting your guitar into a wood chipper does not make you a guitar shredder, nor does fingering the fret board make you a ladies man.
96. No ass, no grass, no pass.
97. Go to rehab at least twice throughout your career. This allows for your Behind the Music to be more interesting.
98. Weapons are metal. Make sure you always carry some sort of weapon. Battle Axes are extremely metal. Note that toxic gas passed through your ass is not a weapon, or a perfume that attracts women.
99. 99 bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, smash it over someones head, 98 bottles of beer on the wall
100. If you have an accent that cant be placed, just say youre from Sweden. It will automatically increase your credibility by 20à
101. METAL HAS NO RULES. BREAK THEM ALL.

Note: When youve read and followed all these rules and reached Rule 101, you have shown your devotion. And devotion is what metals about. You can now call yourself a true metalhead.

* Exception to Rule 2: if you can whistle and make it sound like at least a 4 track recording of Angel of Death, its acceptable.
Exception to Rule 14: if youre making fun of someone and demonstrating how lame they were for skipping.
** Exception to Rule 25: Bands such as Pantera and Slayer have proven themselves worthy of being known by more than 50,000 people.
Exception to Rule 30: The only possible exception to this rule is if for some reason Slayer decided to cover a disco song, however this unlikely event undoubtedly means the world will end before the song finishes.
*** Courtesy of Zakk Wylde
Courtesy of Dillinger Escape Plan
**** Courtesy of At the Gates by way of Darkest Hour.
Exception to Rule 68: Grindcore is metal and has over a twenty-year history. ..