Revenge of the Brown Trout

Our house came with pretty cool amenities, like sewer and mature landscaping. It also came with an established relationship between the two.

 

My wife and I took showers the second day we owned the place. Once clean and dressed, I went downstairs to discover the presence of my mother, her sister, and a nose hair curling stench. The ladies are old farm girls who do not have the healthiest of diets. So my first thought was “holy crap, wtf did you eat !!”. Luckily, before I could gag out such words, my olfactory deductions suggested the aroma was stronger nearer the basement door than my mother’s rump. Sure enough, I discovered Lake Titticaca in the basement, just with much less fresh water and without the scenic vistas. Cost me $135 and 5 Pete’s Summer Ales to drain the lake and to discover that the root system of our beautiful sycamores had blocked our sewer lateral. Also cost me a few hours with a hose, cleanser and a long handled, stiff brush to eliminate the residual backwater.

 

We eventually learned this is a regularly scheduled event. Once every 9 to 18 months for the last 10 years we have paid between $135-$175 to have our lateral snaked. The sewer becomes blocked with roots, and if we don’t catch it in time, “grey” water backs up out of the floor drain in our basement.

 

We’ve gotten pretty good at predicting the occurrence. There are telltale signs. For instance, if I’m perched on the first floor throne while the washing machine empties upstairs, and there is suddenly a sucking, gurgling noise from beneath my ass, I know it’s time to make the call before the flooding begins.

 

I normally keep the low lying area around the floor drain pretty clear as a precautionary measure. Still, it seems like for every large plastic storage tub of children’s cloths/toys/crap that we empty, we fill three more. Those tubs end up in the basement. Plus there are empty boxes. Since you never know exactly when you might need to package and mail a testicle or a Buick, It is necessary to stockpile a large variety of different sizes and shapes of cardboard boxes. Since boxes really don’t blend well with the décor in the family room, we keep them in the basement. Plus there are rags. I think we generate about 2 metric tons of old cloth items per day that classify as rags. Rags must be stored in cardboard boxes in our basement. All of these items have been slowly creeping closer and closer toward the floor drain.

 

This year, the early detection systems didn’t work. By the time I sensed the gurgling beneath my pucker, it was too late. The floodwaters had already risen. And the plastic tubs, cardboard boxes, and the rags had not made it onto the ark.

 

So this weekend I will have the pleasure of scrubbing plastic tubs and filling trash bags with wet cardboard and rags. The rags will be especially fun. Since rags possess extra absorbing power, they have managed to soak up and hold an impressive amount of “fluid”. Then I’ll go back to basics with a hose, cleanser and my trusty ol’ long handled, stiff brush.

 

Good times ahead.