What I'm about to describe to you is mind-bottling. (You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?) We currently have an issue here at work. An issue of such grand contention, that it could shake the earth to its core. An issue so great that people have lost their jobs....no, their LIVES...in support of their cause. That issue is.......why can't we wear flip-flops to work?!? I'm not even fucking joking.
With the warm summer months approaching, our human resources department makes sure to remind the staff of our summer dress code policy: "LONG shorts and sneakers are acceptable on Fridays only, sandals are always acceptable and Flip Flops are NEVER acceptable". Read the last part of that sentence again without your head exploding. "Sandals are always acceptable and Flip Flops are NEVER acceptable" This is the type of thing that drives people out of their minds.
Personally, I'm not a "flip-flop" guy. I wear them at the beach or when I'm roaming around the house. I'm not one of those dudes that feels the need to wear their American Eagle Outfitters flip-flops everywhere I go....the mall, movies, work, weddings, funerals, etc. And I don't like sandals because I'm not a hippy or Jesus. But seriously, are you telling me that the difference between this
and this
is so great that you need to create a policy advocating one over the other?!?!? We still have to see your ugly ass feet when you wear either of them!!! Why create a policy that is open to interpritation anyway? Who decides what differenciates a sandal from a flip-flop? Is it the toe-thong? And why are flip-flops so taboo? Is it too revealing? What is this the 19th century? "Wow your toe thong is so hot I think I may decide to sexually harass you." "Aww man, that chick was showing so much ankle yesterday, I almost got a boner". There are girls that walk around here with their titties half hanging out, but if you wear flip-flops, they will send your ass the fuck home. People have gotten into arguments with their managers here due to their steadfast refusal to go "flopless". It's fucking retarted.
And it doesn't stop there. We have added a new contender to the arena. This fucking monstrosity:
That's right...the goddamn Croc! I fucking HATE Crocs! Maybe not so much the Croc itself, but the indignant assholes who wear them. "But they are so comfortable!" Well so is walking around wearing just my boxer briefs, and I don't show up to work like that, do I? Fact is, Crocs were made for two reasons:
1. Those who are operating in wet, slippery or filthy conditions....you know, so you can quickly slip them on and off, rinse the Croc and the feet if you need to and not have to waste time drying/changing your shoes and socks every 10 min.
2. Children. For the same reasons as mentioned above and so you don't have to hold the little fuckers down to put on their shoes. Easy on, easy off....you can decorate them and shit. Everyone is happy.
My Mom wears Crocs to work. She is a nurse. She deals with blood and piss and all types of other ungodly bodily fluids all day long. She also wears them at home.....when she is working in her garden. It's wet and dirty. You see where I'm going here? She doesn't wear them to church and when she goes out to eat because she's not fucking stupid and she's not five years old. If you don't fit into either of the categories listed above, put on your dumb rubber clogs, and march yourself directly into oncoming traffic.
But see, I work in an OFFICE BUILDING!!! We are in the financial industry! Sally from accounting doesn't need to be roaming the halls in her fucking Crocs! That's right.....a Croc is apparently a fucking sandal! That's the ruling. Bright Orange Crocs = OK. Flip Flops = evil. You are better off wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a giant cock on it than wearing fucking flip flops here.
The fact of the matter is, we are lucky enough at this company that they let us wear jeans every day and dress down even further on Friday's in the summer, unless we have a client visiting. That is unbelievably rare, especially when you work in finance. But people still bitch about wanting to wear their flip flops. And management, for some strange reason, still prefers the sandal and the Croc over Satan's slip-ons. But you know what I think. Why not just ban them all? Make people wear shoes or sneakers. Fuck 'em! Or let people wear whatever the fuck they want on their feet. Who gives a shit!?!!? If John has on flip flops instead of sandals, I doubt his productivity is going to suffer as a result. But don't try to devide the footwear worlds, because you are only creating trouble for yourself. Next thing you know.....John shows up in his flip-flops on Monday, looking unusually focused while carrying a shotgun. And he's going Croc huntin'!!
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